Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Boman Irani speaks about his arrest!
After the failed coup attempt by members of Mumbai’s parsee community, calm has been restored to Mumbai and members of the revolt including Boman Irani – the self proclaimed minister of communications – were jailed for treason.
In this interview, we delve into the reasons behind the revolt and Boman’s future plans…..
Rep : Boman Irani, have you been officially charged with treason and a plot to overthrow a democratically elected government?
B: That is true but I don’t understand what the bother is all about considering that we were trying to improve the lot of the population.
R: You turned the city inside out! You used senior citizens as human shields!
B: I deny that! It was a miscommunication from our high command when our leader said, “Get all the guys and gals together!” Our leader just migrated back from Canada and he kinda forgot that the average Parsi “Guy” is 90 years old!
R: Is it true that you threatened MPs in the mantralaya with dire consequences if they didn’t submit to your demands.
B. True, we threatened to liquidate our collective holdings in all TATA companies on the spot! Apparently a stock market crash is cause enough to call for re-election.
R. But then what happened?
B: We realized that TATA is one of our own. That’s when the police stepped in!
R: Did you seriously think that you would destabilize the city’s economy by withholding ice cream and farsan?
B: Let me give you some figures, Mumbai eats ten tones of farsan everyday! Take that away and you’d have every nip bar in Mumbai down on its knees. No one would have their booze. Families would break up. Dance bars would close down…
R: And the ice-cream?
B: That was for our refreshment.
R: It almost looked like the coup worked for a while and you declared yourself a minister as well?
B: Yes for communications. Most parsees cant pronounce half the words in the English language properly due to dental issues. So since I was a theatre personality, it was a natural progression.
R: Dental issues?
B: No Teeth.
R: Em Chhe? Is it true that after you egged the 20 youths on to the mantralaya, you were hospitalized?
B: Correct. Feroze, my stupid assistant placed a cauldron of dhansak in my way and I fell in it. Painful. Bauu Painful thayee che!
R: You also passed a dictat that Gujrathis should no longer be allowed to say Chhe.
B: Yes but we Parsees can because we don’t use it as much. It was the collective decision of the Parsiana to do this as Gujjus talk way too much and too loud. The best way to shut them up would be this move. We anticipated a reduction in inane conversations on stockmarkets, kyunki saas, the latest white shirt and the diamond trade by 50%
R: So is this the end of all this?
B: Well, we are trying to get the Iranian government to put pressure for our release. It just might work, then we will continue our agitation from a more neutral location like Lonavla. Once we monopolise the chikki trade we are going to ethnically cleanse the country. One city at a time.
R: But what about your own reducing numbers?
B: Nonsense! We are a verile and potent lot.
R: I have bad news, your assistant Feroze just cashed in his chips!
B: Fuck! Soo Ma Chodech!!!! There goes the last ten parsi sperm we had in Bombay! Interview’s over!
After the failed coup attempt by members of Mumbai’s parsee community, calm has been restored to Mumbai and members of the revolt including Boman Irani – the self proclaimed minister of communications – were jailed for treason.
In this interview, we delve into the reasons behind the revolt and Boman’s future plans…..
Rep : Boman Irani, have you been officially charged with treason and a plot to overthrow a democratically elected government?
B: That is true but I don’t understand what the bother is all about considering that we were trying to improve the lot of the population.
R: You turned the city inside out! You used senior citizens as human shields!
B: I deny that! It was a miscommunication from our high command when our leader said, “Get all the guys and gals together!” Our leader just migrated back from Canada and he kinda forgot that the average Parsi “Guy” is 90 years old!
R: Is it true that you threatened MPs in the mantralaya with dire consequences if they didn’t submit to your demands.
B. True, we threatened to liquidate our collective holdings in all TATA companies on the spot! Apparently a stock market crash is cause enough to call for re-election.
R. But then what happened?
B: We realized that TATA is one of our own. That’s when the police stepped in!
R: Did you seriously think that you would destabilize the city’s economy by withholding ice cream and farsan?
B: Let me give you some figures, Mumbai eats ten tones of farsan everyday! Take that away and you’d have every nip bar in Mumbai down on its knees. No one would have their booze. Families would break up. Dance bars would close down…
R: And the ice-cream?
B: That was for our refreshment.
R: It almost looked like the coup worked for a while and you declared yourself a minister as well?
B: Yes for communications. Most parsees cant pronounce half the words in the English language properly due to dental issues. So since I was a theatre personality, it was a natural progression.
R: Dental issues?
B: No Teeth.
R: Em Chhe? Is it true that after you egged the 20 youths on to the mantralaya, you were hospitalized?
B: Correct. Feroze, my stupid assistant placed a cauldron of dhansak in my way and I fell in it. Painful. Bauu Painful thayee che!
R: You also passed a dictat that Gujrathis should no longer be allowed to say Chhe.
B: Yes but we Parsees can because we don’t use it as much. It was the collective decision of the Parsiana to do this as Gujjus talk way too much and too loud. The best way to shut them up would be this move. We anticipated a reduction in inane conversations on stockmarkets, kyunki saas, the latest white shirt and the diamond trade by 50%
R: So is this the end of all this?
B: Well, we are trying to get the Iranian government to put pressure for our release. It just might work, then we will continue our agitation from a more neutral location like Lonavla. Once we monopolise the chikki trade we are going to ethnically cleanse the country. One city at a time.
R: But what about your own reducing numbers?
B: Nonsense! We are a verile and potent lot.
R: I have bad news, your assistant Feroze just cashed in his chips!
B: Fuck! Soo Ma Chodech!!!! There goes the last ten parsi sperm we had in Bombay! Interview’s over!
# posted by ☭ Comrade Nambiar☭ @ 1:24 AM 
