Whackjob Works

Interview with an Anti-National

Good morning. How are you?

As good as it gets, which isn’t too great. Could be better, could be someplace else….

What do you mean?

Well, the obvious is that i am stuck in country that never fails to disappoint me year after year. Damn I think that we just got independence too damn early! Actually, if you think about it, it’s a pretty open question when we should have got it.

So what you are saying is that you would much rather be a slave to a colonist than a free man?

I admit that most colonizers are the last people on earth that genuinely look out for the absolute good of their colony but then again, I get this feeling that the British would have done a hell of a lot more for the country than we have done for ourselves.

How can you be sure? Look at Jamaica for example. Unemployment is alarming, drug usage, mafia….?

True. Now let’s look at Hong Kong, Macau and Singapore. Singapore is independent but only recently in the 60’s or so. Why did all these countries do so darn well while so many “independent” ones fail? The reason is simple. They waited. They learned from people who already made their mistakes and achieved successes. That is something we in India failed to do!

But we are the largest democracy in the world. Freedom of speech, choice, trade, everything!

Not to take anything away from democracy but what happens when you give a monkey a grenade? Sure we have elections but are they really free and fair? When we do have “free and fair” polling, do we end up with the Prime Minister or President of our choice? Look at the American, French or British system. You are pretty much voting for the man and not just the party.

Now as for freedom of speech, remember the emergency? Remember Tehelka? Freedom of speech and expressions are ideals in the waste paper basket of the constitution. Freedom of choice: Why do Indians pay more for fuel than any other country in the world? Why don’t we have more power and electricity in our cities? In the case of fuel, our economic patriotism is the culprit. As for electricity, it’s all about the politics of it all.



All Indians are united on the stand that India is a growing Tiger economy.

Well it is. IT is going to be the biggest killer on the block. We might even invent something wonderful that earns us a lot in Royalties. But then again, is that going to take Indians or India forward?

In 50 years, the percentage under the poverty line has stayed the same. Why? Population growth - there is no argument about that. So how in hells name did our population snowball so badly that we couldn’t control it? That has been our biggest failure, the inability of the family planning campaign. And why is that? 60% of our country didn’t care or were illiterate. And perhaps the last 40% were more interested in getting a boy in the family that they ended up having 3 girls in the process.

The point here is that we need to move away from the “economy” and focus more on human development. The economy is controlled by corporations and the ministry of finance so leave them to do the good job of making money for the country. Now focus on educating your people, providing infrastructure, dams, roads, electricity and water. And finally don’t censor your media. Let them expose corruption when it happens, show the dreary lives of sex workers, showcase how our justice system doesn’t work and then the outrage will start a silent revolution.

But this is a country that is just a fifty years into democracy and living as an independent nation!

Reality check sweetheart. Singapore, Malaysia, Japan….all these guys were ruined by WWII – just like us. Fancy then that they are a different solar system away from us in the terms of development. The only unfortunate part of the entire deal with these countries is that the same people who took them to greatness – that one person who steered the course of the country’s development turned into a despot. Look at South Korea. In the sixties a massive effort was made to wipe out illiteracy there and within the decade their country was literate and economically on the cusp of greatness. What did we do in the sixties? Well, we had emergency, we fought wars with our neighbors, and created a country to the East.

Ok, now let’s assume that those were things that just had to be done at the time. Why couldn’t our leaders stop throttling the economy? One thing that you have to hand to Indians - They make Jews look like salesmen for aluminum siding! If the Government of India decided to just let industry make its money and not have a million licenses and restrictions, God we’d be a different country now! But why are we suddenly talking about the economy? Because that is what funds social development! At the end of the day, somebody has to pay for the bridges, schools, teachers, dams, power stations and what all. The Government of India was not interested in all these things!

Politicians are a malaise of every country. How can you defame a country because of its politicians?

Simple! We love the idiots we put in power. Never mind that….what are the reasons that we vote for a person? If you are a middle class voter, you are looking for an MP that will cut YOUR taxes, which will clear slums so that YOU can have a better view from your window, and that will kick the police into action because YOU don’t feel safe and the final insult of it all – because he is of your creed!

Consider that! When is that last time that any of you voted for somebody who will alleviate poverty? Or spend the defense budget on educating Bihar. Lost causes you say? Bull I say! The Indian electorate doesn’t care for issues more than the basics. Worse, the Indian voter doesn’t vote for the country, he votes for himself.

Now for the politicians, anybody noticed that the BJP came into power last time round? Now tell me who is worse? The public after seeing the mosque demolitions and the Bombay riots puts a right-wing religious fanatical party into power. And then the damn voters are bloody outraged that 3000 are killed in Gujarat? That the defense minister made a bundle out of the Kargil coffin scam and is still in parliament? And saddest of all, this electorate is outraged when the most peaceful minority community, Christians, started getting prosecuted by VHP activists?

So you see the point is that if you put psychopaths in power do you expect them to actually turn into red-cross volunteers? My only prayer is that our fellow idiots have learned about the dangers of right-wing politics.

Again, assuming that these are mistakes that have already happened, do you think that we will learn from our mistakes?

Now this goes to the very being of the Indian ethos. Sadly, Indians are the only people that condone crime and evil as a necessity of the time. I remember an incident where a dacoit was caught for murder and when questioned, he said, “I am not sorry for the murder, the man I killed; it was in his destiny to die, it had to be; otherwise, he wouldn’t have died.”

That is the attitude the Indian brain works with. Fatalism – all things just are, don’t fight it. Ok, now take that to the family level. Ever noticed how we encourage our kids to lie? Don’t believe me? What does an average Indian mom say to her kid, when she doesn’t want him to have a toy or some implement? “The crow took it away.” Or some nonsense like that! You are teaching your kids that it’s ok to lie! In a Western society, this is the basis of all human interaction – that you don’t lie!

So then these same kids grow up, drive their first cars and start behaving like the road is their dad’s property, disregarding others and the rules. Well, the cops don’t care cause they are there to make money from any driver whether guilty or not. The others don’t really complain, curiously, until it actually bothers their driving.

Next phase – these kids get married. Then you have sexual abuse, marital rape, oppression of women, dowry deaths, and honor killings – all those wonderful things that make the headlines in a Chandigarh daily.
Where could all this be stopped? Teaching your kid honesty and integrity – something the Indian gene is allergic to. Tell him that it isn’t ok to lie, tell him that his sister is truly his equal (Hell! Tell him that she is his prettier male twin!), tell him to protect trees, innocent animals and people who need help, tell him or her that someday they are going to have sex and that it’s ok as long as they are safe about it, and tell them that at every point in life to respect the law! Every law! Do not take shortcuts with the law! If you think that is too much effort, don’t break the fucking law!

All this sounds like the rants of an angry man. How does this tie into “Bring the British back?” And why do you assume that things will never change?

Don’t get me wrong lady! I’ll settle for the Chinese even!

How does this tie in? Ever noticed how the beggar kids always run to foreign tourists? It’s programmed into our heads to be subservient. When a foreign delegation comes to a company, observe how the garlands and face paint come out? When you are in Goa, how one section of beach is guarded so that the White Saheb’s air isn’t polluted by Indians? And finally, observe how we work 8 hours here don’t take crap from anybody but as soon as we go abroad, we live in squalor, work in sweat shops, get called brownies by our bosses and end up working 16 hours.

It is time to realize. To realize that we unfortunately are a race of noble servants – we love to grovel, it brings warmth to hearts when we know that someone is leading us and closer to white the better.

Why will things never change? Well we had 3000 years as a civilization to evolve and we still indulge in idolatry and cow-worship. Don’t get me wrong! I love cows. Most loving stupid creatures but, people, you are worshipping nonsense! You have diluted the original philosophy to monkey and elephant heads and then you go out into the world stage and expect to be taken seriously??? Often have my whiter and blacker friends at school told me that it’s interesting how we worship their lunch items and whether the Indian bible is a menu. Did I get pissed? Patriotic? No! I laughed because it’s true! Indian religion is just one big freak show and nothing else.

If you are so darn fed up of Indians then why don’t you get the hell out of this country?

Very good point!

I have noticed that that’s the first reaction most people have when shown in the Indian mirror.

And now for the rebuttal – The only thing wrong with India is Indians! Just like the only thing wrong with Israel are the Jews! But since they at least try to make a difference we’ll focus on our losers instead.

Curious that instead of accepting criticism and doing something about it, what most of us want to do is kill the critic; reminds me of Tehelka.

Being someone who was born and brought up in another country, I have the power to look objectively at this country without the blinds of patriotism.

Unfortunately, I might just have to take your advice because I don’t see things changing over here for a long time to come. Ah! You are thinking why don’t I do something about it? Remember Indira, Sanjay and Rajiv Gandhi tried to do something for this country? Remember the peaceful leftist who tried to instill a sense of social equality and justice in the 60s? Remember the Congress MP who sheltered fifty Muslims from certain death in Gujarat? Remember the Mittals who tried to come back and improve the county’s steel production?

The all left and went away in some way or another. These are all people who tried to go against the grain and do something about the people they loved and cared for. But they were truly idiots. Fools who wasted their lives and only four of them may make it to the History channel. Why? Because they fought for improvement, progress, justice and social equality. These are values the average Indian has never known or want to know because it doesn’t really affect him and that is irrespective of the social strata.