Tuesday, August 23, 2005
The News at 3
Bandra declares independence from the Indian Republic and annexes Khar, Olives to be the capital of the newly formed territory.
Post-modern dissertation by Philosophy majors sparks off a riot between the To bes and not to Bes.
Shakti Kapoor claims to have had homosexual encounters with aliens, commission of enquiry by Women’s Rights Commission setup.
And in other news,
Is the Coffee hamper a bigger than Karan himself.
(tat a ta tee tee tee teeeeee)
Good afternoon…..
In a shocking declaration by residents of the Mumbai suburb of Bandra, the little island has broken off from the Indian Republic. The new leader of the territory will be a monarch by the name of Steven Mascarenhas. Sources say that the new kingdom has also annexed the neighbouring suburb of Khar and proclaimed Olives the capital of the new monarchy.
His highness Mascarenhas in a statement said, “ Y’all fuckers! From now on Bandra will take care of its own affairs and not listen to BallKurry talks from Town side! We have our own language that is completely different from English, we make our own baatlis and we make most of the prawn curry rice that we need. So why stay wid da rest of da country? Say no fucker?”
Mascarenhas declared himself leader of Bandraiites after a prolonged exile on cruise ship working as a waiter.
As a first step, to making Bandra a separate country, border points will be setup and entry to Bandra will require a sponsorship from a resident. Visa applications will be available at various bars in Mumbai which will double up as Embassies.
Sources in New Delhi claim, that the decision to allow the succession in the Lok Sabha was taken after all MP’s in the house thought that Bandra was one of the Islands sunken after the recent Tsunami in the Andamans.
It was day of violence and mayhem at various colleges in Mumbai today when a statement by a Jehovah’s witness during a Post-Modernism dissertation stating that Post Modernism was purely a Post Feminist, Post – Marxist, Post-Polygamist, Post – MC Hammer non-rhythmic rant of spastic rap artists, created a ruckus.
Dictionaries and works of literature were removed from their shelves at the convention center and used as missiles. Thankfully no one was hurt….Local Police made the following statement to our correspondent….
Cop: The situation is now under control, but it took a while to pacify the students.
Corr: But how were over 200 MA literature students all over the campus convinced to stop the violence?
Cop : It was amazing by any standards, but the technique used was to use a loudspeaker and tell the crowds that the new book, “ The Post- Post – Post Modern deconstruction of the Da Vinci code has just hit the stands.” Apparently, mentioning “post” three times before modern shorts their brains.
The policemen after making this statement declared the Vada Pav as Mahrashtra’s and Maharashtrians greatest contribution to Indian culture. The police spokesmen then foamed at the mouth and was declared dead upon arriving at the Institute of I-Swallowed-my-vadapav-too-fast institute.
The Jehovah’s witness has been arrested for slander but might be shortly deported to the newly formed territory of Bandra, as he is now a foreign citizen.
Shakti Kapoor came out of hiding today after his TV expose recently.
The failed actor broke into tears at a press conference claiming that he was abducted from a hotel room at the Taj this time by and alien. The actor described the alien as bald, with blue eyes, overweight and continuously trying to hum three bars of an unrecognizable tune.
Kapoor also claimed that he was seduced by the humming and engaged in what the press has described as a possible inter-planetary inter-species exchange of fluids.
The police have however doubtful of the story and in a possibly unrelated incident have arrested director Rakesh Roshan on charges of sodomising a fellow actor.
The National Commission of Women’s rights has also put its best foot forward and asked for a Commission of Enquiry to be setup. The Commission will however only investigate the allegations that the NWCR is a huge kitty party club that hates Ekta Kapoor.
After the break……our new segment, Bollywood’s cover Blown off…..
You think you know everything about Bollywood?
What is Koffee with Karan? Is it mind-bending show used by the show’s producers to subconsciously attract users to the Aum Shinrikiyo cult?
What really is in the Coffee hamper?
Who makes the hampers?
Are your children safe from the Coffee hamper?
And is Karan secretly seeing the coffee hamper?
After the break the dirty secrets revealed!
Bandra declares independence from the Indian Republic and annexes Khar, Olives to be the capital of the newly formed territory.
Post-modern dissertation by Philosophy majors sparks off a riot between the To bes and not to Bes.
Shakti Kapoor claims to have had homosexual encounters with aliens, commission of enquiry by Women’s Rights Commission setup.
And in other news,
Is the Coffee hamper a bigger than Karan himself.
(tat a ta tee tee tee teeeeee)
Good afternoon…..
In a shocking declaration by residents of the Mumbai suburb of Bandra, the little island has broken off from the Indian Republic. The new leader of the territory will be a monarch by the name of Steven Mascarenhas. Sources say that the new kingdom has also annexed the neighbouring suburb of Khar and proclaimed Olives the capital of the new monarchy.
His highness Mascarenhas in a statement said, “ Y’all fuckers! From now on Bandra will take care of its own affairs and not listen to BallKurry talks from Town side! We have our own language that is completely different from English, we make our own baatlis and we make most of the prawn curry rice that we need. So why stay wid da rest of da country? Say no fucker?”
Mascarenhas declared himself leader of Bandraiites after a prolonged exile on cruise ship working as a waiter.
As a first step, to making Bandra a separate country, border points will be setup and entry to Bandra will require a sponsorship from a resident. Visa applications will be available at various bars in Mumbai which will double up as Embassies.
Sources in New Delhi claim, that the decision to allow the succession in the Lok Sabha was taken after all MP’s in the house thought that Bandra was one of the Islands sunken after the recent Tsunami in the Andamans.
It was day of violence and mayhem at various colleges in Mumbai today when a statement by a Jehovah’s witness during a Post-Modernism dissertation stating that Post Modernism was purely a Post Feminist, Post – Marxist, Post-Polygamist, Post – MC Hammer non-rhythmic rant of spastic rap artists, created a ruckus.
Dictionaries and works of literature were removed from their shelves at the convention center and used as missiles. Thankfully no one was hurt….Local Police made the following statement to our correspondent….
Cop: The situation is now under control, but it took a while to pacify the students.
Corr: But how were over 200 MA literature students all over the campus convinced to stop the violence?
Cop : It was amazing by any standards, but the technique used was to use a loudspeaker and tell the crowds that the new book, “ The Post- Post – Post Modern deconstruction of the Da Vinci code has just hit the stands.” Apparently, mentioning “post” three times before modern shorts their brains.
The policemen after making this statement declared the Vada Pav as Mahrashtra’s and Maharashtrians greatest contribution to Indian culture. The police spokesmen then foamed at the mouth and was declared dead upon arriving at the Institute of I-Swallowed-my-vadapav-too-fast institute.
The Jehovah’s witness has been arrested for slander but might be shortly deported to the newly formed territory of Bandra, as he is now a foreign citizen.
Shakti Kapoor came out of hiding today after his TV expose recently.
The failed actor broke into tears at a press conference claiming that he was abducted from a hotel room at the Taj this time by and alien. The actor described the alien as bald, with blue eyes, overweight and continuously trying to hum three bars of an unrecognizable tune.
Kapoor also claimed that he was seduced by the humming and engaged in what the press has described as a possible inter-planetary inter-species exchange of fluids.
The police have however doubtful of the story and in a possibly unrelated incident have arrested director Rakesh Roshan on charges of sodomising a fellow actor.
The National Commission of Women’s rights has also put its best foot forward and asked for a Commission of Enquiry to be setup. The Commission will however only investigate the allegations that the NWCR is a huge kitty party club that hates Ekta Kapoor.
After the break……our new segment, Bollywood’s cover Blown off…..
You think you know everything about Bollywood?
What is Koffee with Karan? Is it mind-bending show used by the show’s producers to subconsciously attract users to the Aum Shinrikiyo cult?
What really is in the Coffee hamper?
Who makes the hampers?
Are your children safe from the Coffee hamper?
And is Karan secretly seeing the coffee hamper?
After the break the dirty secrets revealed!
# posted by ☭ Comrade Nambiar☭ @ 1:10 AM 
