Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Welcome back to the news at 4.
And now for Panorama- the story of the coffee hamper.
We’ve all heard about the coffee hamper on the Koffee with Karan show.
Tonite we address the nagging question: what is the coffee hamper and is your family safe from the hamper?
We have to go back in time to when the hamper started out as a bunch of beans. Nobody knows exactly where the bean started from but speculation is that it originated from the forests of Columbia and southern India.
In this exclusive showcase we talk to the farmers, the media heads that made the journey from the bean to the hamper and finally a close family relative of the hamper – the coffee plant that mothered the now infamous cartel called…….THE HAMPER!
It all started in the boardrooms at the STAR TV office,
(Reconstruction)
Exec1: Boss the show has become too big and Karan is going around buggering every male in the office.
Exec2: This really cant go on, all the women in the country are complaining about men turning into pansies! Karan is just becoming too hot property.
Boss: There is only one way, we need to regain control to the saas-bahu sagas. This is what I think, let’s get in our inside guy into the show. We’ll merchandise and promote him till he is the biggest star on the show and then pull the plug.
E1: Boss, are you sure, what if this insider becomes more powerful?
In retrospect, the boss should have listened to the exec because six months later they found out that they had created a monster they couldn’t control.
It was after this meeting that the Columbian, Ethiopian, Javanese and Koorgi, came together and made what is now sinisterly called the COFFEE HAMPER. (TA TA TAAAAAAA!)
The operation started out on a small scale as Karan took the hamper under his wing.
A production exec who doesn’t want to be identified explains:
“Underneath it all, Karan’s a trusting guy. Sure he can be pretty mean with his crying tantrums on the sets and always wanting to hug ShahRukh but apart from that and feeling every guy’s butt, he’s nice. And that’s how the hamper got to take advantage of him. Karan got hooked onto Qaavaah and the coffee chocolates until he got sick! The Guests slowly started coming on the show just for the hamper! Nobody knows the real reason why the guests, some of them losers, like Rahul Bose, Zayed Khan and Abhishek Bachchan keep coming on the show but now I want to reveal the truth because I am sick of the things happening in this corporation. Peter Mukherjee (Beeped out) should be ashamed of himself!”
And the addiction grew and grew. Guests used to wait for commercial breaks to get the hamper! Some wouldn’t even wait and would start snorting the coffee powder straight up!
Karan was now a shadow of his former self. His addiction taking over his main line of work – directing candy films and long acceptance speeches.
It was then that the studios tried to pull the plug, but it was too late…..
Guests wanted the hamper, viewers at home reaching out in their TV screens, every pansy in town was at risk of addiction from the hamper.
Without the top brass at the studios knowing it, the hamper made a hostile takeover of the TV station. It was all over!
And now: the exclusive interview with the coffee plant that brought the hamper to the world:
Rep: What do you think about the cartel called the coffee hamper?
Tree: We are a poor species. You guys come, get a fix and leave us seedless every damn year. Frankly, I glad that my little bean has become such a big tycoon.
Rep: And what about the lives that were destroyed? What about the number of addicts?
Tree: Listen I think human society should take a good hard look at itself! You used the hamper and when he became too powerful… you couldn’t take it. Addicts? It’s your greed! The hamper takes care of its own which is more than I can say for your race! Now if you will excuse me, I need to be watered!
Its clear that your family is at risk from the biggest media takeover in history.
Keep your family away from the hamper! Watch the Discovery Channel instead!
The best way to fight the evil is by knowledge.
This is panorama urging you to stay safe! If you see the hamper….RUN!
And now for Panorama- the story of the coffee hamper.
We’ve all heard about the coffee hamper on the Koffee with Karan show.
Tonite we address the nagging question: what is the coffee hamper and is your family safe from the hamper?
We have to go back in time to when the hamper started out as a bunch of beans. Nobody knows exactly where the bean started from but speculation is that it originated from the forests of Columbia and southern India.
In this exclusive showcase we talk to the farmers, the media heads that made the journey from the bean to the hamper and finally a close family relative of the hamper – the coffee plant that mothered the now infamous cartel called…….THE HAMPER!
It all started in the boardrooms at the STAR TV office,
(Reconstruction)
Exec1: Boss the show has become too big and Karan is going around buggering every male in the office.
Exec2: This really cant go on, all the women in the country are complaining about men turning into pansies! Karan is just becoming too hot property.
Boss: There is only one way, we need to regain control to the saas-bahu sagas. This is what I think, let’s get in our inside guy into the show. We’ll merchandise and promote him till he is the biggest star on the show and then pull the plug.
E1: Boss, are you sure, what if this insider becomes more powerful?
In retrospect, the boss should have listened to the exec because six months later they found out that they had created a monster they couldn’t control.
It was after this meeting that the Columbian, Ethiopian, Javanese and Koorgi, came together and made what is now sinisterly called the COFFEE HAMPER. (TA TA TAAAAAAA!)
The operation started out on a small scale as Karan took the hamper under his wing.
A production exec who doesn’t want to be identified explains:
“Underneath it all, Karan’s a trusting guy. Sure he can be pretty mean with his crying tantrums on the sets and always wanting to hug ShahRukh but apart from that and feeling every guy’s butt, he’s nice. And that’s how the hamper got to take advantage of him. Karan got hooked onto Qaavaah and the coffee chocolates until he got sick! The Guests slowly started coming on the show just for the hamper! Nobody knows the real reason why the guests, some of them losers, like Rahul Bose, Zayed Khan and Abhishek Bachchan keep coming on the show but now I want to reveal the truth because I am sick of the things happening in this corporation. Peter Mukherjee (Beeped out) should be ashamed of himself!”
And the addiction grew and grew. Guests used to wait for commercial breaks to get the hamper! Some wouldn’t even wait and would start snorting the coffee powder straight up!
Karan was now a shadow of his former self. His addiction taking over his main line of work – directing candy films and long acceptance speeches.
It was then that the studios tried to pull the plug, but it was too late…..
Guests wanted the hamper, viewers at home reaching out in their TV screens, every pansy in town was at risk of addiction from the hamper.
Without the top brass at the studios knowing it, the hamper made a hostile takeover of the TV station. It was all over!
And now: the exclusive interview with the coffee plant that brought the hamper to the world:
Rep: What do you think about the cartel called the coffee hamper?
Tree: We are a poor species. You guys come, get a fix and leave us seedless every damn year. Frankly, I glad that my little bean has become such a big tycoon.
Rep: And what about the lives that were destroyed? What about the number of addicts?
Tree: Listen I think human society should take a good hard look at itself! You used the hamper and when he became too powerful… you couldn’t take it. Addicts? It’s your greed! The hamper takes care of its own which is more than I can say for your race! Now if you will excuse me, I need to be watered!
Its clear that your family is at risk from the biggest media takeover in history.
Keep your family away from the hamper! Watch the Discovery Channel instead!
The best way to fight the evil is by knowledge.
This is panorama urging you to stay safe! If you see the hamper….RUN!
# posted by ☭ Comrade Nambiar☭ @ 1:14 AM 
