Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Innovative ways to come in to the office on time!
Hello all of you fellow tardy creatures! You probably didn’t know that this we are becoming quite a motley crew of people who are unable to make it in before the LATE COMING REGISTER is pulled out at the reception.
So, after thinking really hard, having many fights with managers belligerently holding the attendance policy against the dynamics of city traffic, or wondering whether it makes any sense to come in at 9:30 in the morning when the air conditioning beeps alive at 10am, and some soul searching on whether one really needs 8 or 9 hours of sleep as age catches on, I have finally figured out some of the things that we could all do to make sure that we can come in on time. And I sincerely believe that in the times of recession when there is less and less work available around, all the more reason that we should come earlier!! Because nothing shows a middle finger to the economic forces against us like coming in on time and helping out the pre-sales effort to ensure that we can go back to 16 hour days!
So, here is a list of things that I have thought of and these are ranked in order.
Whatever your driving school instructor said was wrong!
This is for those of us coming into office with some kind of road based transportation. Driving school instructors really were not training us right. See the problem is that driving instructors told us to drive well because instead of being in rush to be at work, they already were at work teaching us. Clearly they have no idea how difficult it can be to make a 10 Km stretch in an hour or less in the city. What you need to do to get to work is to weave, cut through and bully ever living thing on the road to get out of your way – or else….this recession may just never get over!
Prioritize!
This is going to sound odd but think about it seriously. You’re warming up that car of yours, your waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom, for the little old lady to get out of the elevator. All that philanthropy is not going to make this recession end, child. What you need to do is to ignore the consequences of not doing a 30 second vehicle warm up, tell everyone at home that you had some really bad chilly last and need the bathroom bad, and next time granny wants take her own retirement time getting into the lift, make a face like the DOOR button is working and scream FASTER GRANNY FASTER!!! (She probably needed the exercise anyway! And dammit there is a recession on!)
Help your local policeman…
This is something ingenious that struck me while I speeding at 100 Kmph on the highway. It turns out that the speed limits for the city were set in the days when the fastest things on the roads of the city were horses! Now, don’t blame the government! They understand you and I and the fact that most cars today allow you to drive at 80 Kmph while holding a coffee in one hand and your make up kit in the other. So don’t go down that road. The next time you see that officer standing on the side of the road aiming a what looks like a magical can of insecticide that can also detect speed, think to yourself, “One day’s salary while sitting to argue with him or 100 in his back pocket?” Do the right thing, people have mouths to feed. And there is a recession on, damn you!
Diet
Coffee, Tea, Toast, Butter, Eggs, Bacon…..carbs, carbs and more carbs! Do you know that the average person spends more time eating breakfast than commuting? So, unless you have one of those cool cars as mentioned in the previous point, you’re probably eating more than you need to anyway! Now, to many of you, this is going to sound mean but think about it like this, you’re going to have lunch in the next four hours anyway! And how much physical work do you do at work? Typing hard on the keyboard doesn’t count! Going on a diet is a good thing and this is one step in that direction for your health and finances….which if you haven’t noticed are depleting thanks to the recession that you are making worse by having breakfast and not being at work!
Go home late!
Do I detect a suspicious look in your eye? Well, guess what? This is an old MBA secret that none will share to the outside world but me…and I am putting my life on the line to make sure that you non-MBAs learn this. The Secret is…” Go home late….so you don’t have to deal with household chores…” Who does it then? Who cares!??
There is always someone at home or someone you can pay small time money to do your dirty work would be your responsibility! It is called delegation! Now I am sure that many of us want to be big managers but we aren’t going to get there without delegating every small part of our lives. So, start doing that right now and work the extra four hours, tell whoever’s at home that you are coming in late and to go ahead and do the dishes and the laundry and go home only to sleep. Optimal isn’t it? And those extra few hours at work even when there is no work, just lets the economic monsters know that we will not buckle in front of them….DAMN YOU RECESSION!
I hope I have been able to provide some sort of insight into the things that we could do make sure that we beat that big hand of the clock. Take that…RECESSION!
Friday, June 27, 2008
! بيدار مي شدم
وقتي بود كه زندِگي تاريك وغمگين بود٠ آن روز بَالا تمام شُد٠ هالا، امروز مي فهمام ارشِ خوشي چيه؟ زندِگي ِنوه،اعشق بر گرده،همه چيز كه خستم٠ خودا را شكر مي دهم براي هر لحظه٠
وقتي بود كه زندِگي تاريك وغمگين بود٠ آن روز بَالا تمام شُد٠ هالا، امروز مي فهمام ارشِ خوشي چيه؟ زندِگي ِنوه،اعشق بر گرده،همه چيز كه خستم٠ خودا را شكر مي دهم براي هر لحظه٠
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
All existence is just a doomed state of fantastic belief that there is order, schema, and conformance to our wishes and desires. Existence is nothing but the bastard offspring of chance sodomizing lack of free will. You and all around you are the slaves to a society, a momentary lapse of reason, a fatalistic belief that there is light at the end of the tunnel when in reality, you went blind in your sleep.
There is no merit in believing in the astute sagacity of destiny because destiny is the whore of humanity. Everyone has had carnal knowledge of destiny; none can or will be able to have her completely. To those who believe that better things are in store, you are falling in love with a whore. She will humor your innocence perhaps even do you a favor but her true fruit is for all to have, one fuck at a time.
I loathe existence, I loathe life, I loathe the sight of humanity while I loathe myself in equal vein. There is no merit. There is no God. There is but the whore called destiny whose beckoning I don’t refuse. A moment of pleasure…a lifetime of pain.
There is no merit in believing in the astute sagacity of destiny because destiny is the whore of humanity. Everyone has had carnal knowledge of destiny; none can or will be able to have her completely. To those who believe that better things are in store, you are falling in love with a whore. She will humor your innocence perhaps even do you a favor but her true fruit is for all to have, one fuck at a time.
I loathe existence, I loathe life, I loathe the sight of humanity while I loathe myself in equal vein. There is no merit. There is no God. There is but the whore called destiny whose beckoning I don’t refuse. A moment of pleasure…a lifetime of pain.
The Destroyer
Glorious were these three years. That’s how long I have been content with existence and cathartically imploded. “Cathartically imploded” you ask? It’s what I call bursting out and then collapsing back to where you first began.
So what prompts the revival? A revelation! A revelation so powerful that it is as frightening as waking up with a third testicle!
In your existence, someone that you despise, or will eventually, will have the ability to vaporize your destiny and do what he or she will with it. People who deny that are just better prepared than those of us who will admit it.
What does that mean?
That true freedom is a myth. We will always live as serfs to bosses, spouses, nature, or other fatal addictions. Yes! I’ve seen guys who lived with the disease called marriage till death! They were fine before, but after…you do the math! J
On a tangent, the question then is why? Why do we let people past our armor, why do people we give so much to behave the way they do. Well, no great logic there. My favorite band Slipknot said it best when they titled their song “People = Shit.” Simple isn’t it? What? You were expecting a long sermon instead?
There are two types of managers – the destroyers and the creators. The creators have all been fired, are dead, or chased after their personal Moby Dick that no one talks to them anymore except the voices in their head. The destroyers have invaded the corporate world en masse. They are a shortsighted batch of MBA students that are spawns of the MBA rush that began in the early and late 90s. I pity this group for the sincere cowardice and lack of inspiration that they work with. Realistically, these are the people that destroy running business units and call the cost cut that results, a profit.
Case study time as they say in B school – what I call the bullshit factory.
You have a business unit that deals with eLearning. The unit generates about 1 million USD in revenue. Gross margins are at 30% and you want to push to 60%. Staff strength is at 50. Employee morale is average. No attrition. Quality is also at its highest in the industry. So the question is, what do you do to push to 60%?
Well, the answers can be varied but this is what actually happened: The existing manager was shot down the ladder for a destroyer and an additional overhead called a content testing team was put in place. This was not only a huge hit to the margin but also to the project timelines. Raining chaos for a month, and the client went south for the winter. Now, there is no staff, there is no business, everything is kaput.
Why? Simple! It was because of the destroyer-manager. This breed of management scum believes that out of the two ways of making profit; making more revenue and cutting costs, you at some point will not be able to make more revenue. What’s that? Do you say that you agree with that paradigm? Ah! You forget that we are talking about IT and not manufacturing! This is the common mistake that most destroyers make and that is because when they were in the bullshit factory, IT was a distant dream, so one of the fundamental things they weren’t taught was that there is something called Human Capital. All IT centers around human capital; it is your most valuable asset. You could lose your server and your insurance could replace that. Lose your best programmer or creative writer and you are seriously dead! Cause there is some competitor somewhere who would use that opportunity. I’ve even seen some destroyers believe that their resources go through a depreciation cycle and say that this person has been in the company too long. Sad…isn’t it? Sadder when you consider how many destinies the destroyer can change!
So, having said the problem, what is the solution? The rebirth of the creator! The creator is no messiah, the creator doesn’t give a damn about people; he gives a damn only about growing his business. To this end, any smart person is an asset, you just have to be smart to utilize the person. What if revenues drop you say? I have this to say. If you have a smart production team whip your sales force into getting more business and not fire good production floor talent, which is what your business base is.
This is something that most companies will not do. Again, this is the fault of the bullshit factories. As the production floor is where people are the most populous, it seems obvious that that is the place to start. Myopic…and again the destroyer changes your destiny.
There is yet another problem why we will never see the creator again. The creator is not a B-school product. This character is an entrepreneur that works from the cerebrum and not from his textbook recall. The days of Warren Buffet, Honda, Ford, the real entrepreneurs is over. These are the days of amorphous corporations that use the armor of the “entity” to mask their destroyer identities.
However, These destroyers are the best thing to have ever happened to the industry I toil in. Why are they the best thing to have happened to the industry? Because, they are like a grand narrative, and every grand narrative contains the seed of it’s own destruction.
Glorious were these three years. That’s how long I have been content with existence and cathartically imploded. “Cathartically imploded” you ask? It’s what I call bursting out and then collapsing back to where you first began.
So what prompts the revival? A revelation! A revelation so powerful that it is as frightening as waking up with a third testicle!
In your existence, someone that you despise, or will eventually, will have the ability to vaporize your destiny and do what he or she will with it. People who deny that are just better prepared than those of us who will admit it.
What does that mean?
That true freedom is a myth. We will always live as serfs to bosses, spouses, nature, or other fatal addictions. Yes! I’ve seen guys who lived with the disease called marriage till death! They were fine before, but after…you do the math! J
On a tangent, the question then is why? Why do we let people past our armor, why do people we give so much to behave the way they do. Well, no great logic there. My favorite band Slipknot said it best when they titled their song “People = Shit.” Simple isn’t it? What? You were expecting a long sermon instead?
There are two types of managers – the destroyers and the creators. The creators have all been fired, are dead, or chased after their personal Moby Dick that no one talks to them anymore except the voices in their head. The destroyers have invaded the corporate world en masse. They are a shortsighted batch of MBA students that are spawns of the MBA rush that began in the early and late 90s. I pity this group for the sincere cowardice and lack of inspiration that they work with. Realistically, these are the people that destroy running business units and call the cost cut that results, a profit.
Case study time as they say in B school – what I call the bullshit factory.
You have a business unit that deals with eLearning. The unit generates about 1 million USD in revenue. Gross margins are at 30% and you want to push to 60%. Staff strength is at 50. Employee morale is average. No attrition. Quality is also at its highest in the industry. So the question is, what do you do to push to 60%?
Well, the answers can be varied but this is what actually happened: The existing manager was shot down the ladder for a destroyer and an additional overhead called a content testing team was put in place. This was not only a huge hit to the margin but also to the project timelines. Raining chaos for a month, and the client went south for the winter. Now, there is no staff, there is no business, everything is kaput.
Why? Simple! It was because of the destroyer-manager. This breed of management scum believes that out of the two ways of making profit; making more revenue and cutting costs, you at some point will not be able to make more revenue. What’s that? Do you say that you agree with that paradigm? Ah! You forget that we are talking about IT and not manufacturing! This is the common mistake that most destroyers make and that is because when they were in the bullshit factory, IT was a distant dream, so one of the fundamental things they weren’t taught was that there is something called Human Capital. All IT centers around human capital; it is your most valuable asset. You could lose your server and your insurance could replace that. Lose your best programmer or creative writer and you are seriously dead! Cause there is some competitor somewhere who would use that opportunity. I’ve even seen some destroyers believe that their resources go through a depreciation cycle and say that this person has been in the company too long. Sad…isn’t it? Sadder when you consider how many destinies the destroyer can change!
So, having said the problem, what is the solution? The rebirth of the creator! The creator is no messiah, the creator doesn’t give a damn about people; he gives a damn only about growing his business. To this end, any smart person is an asset, you just have to be smart to utilize the person. What if revenues drop you say? I have this to say. If you have a smart production team whip your sales force into getting more business and not fire good production floor talent, which is what your business base is.
This is something that most companies will not do. Again, this is the fault of the bullshit factories. As the production floor is where people are the most populous, it seems obvious that that is the place to start. Myopic…and again the destroyer changes your destiny.
There is yet another problem why we will never see the creator again. The creator is not a B-school product. This character is an entrepreneur that works from the cerebrum and not from his textbook recall. The days of Warren Buffet, Honda, Ford, the real entrepreneurs is over. These are the days of amorphous corporations that use the armor of the “entity” to mask their destroyer identities.
However, These destroyers are the best thing to have ever happened to the industry I toil in. Why are they the best thing to have happened to the industry? Because, they are like a grand narrative, and every grand narrative contains the seed of it’s own destruction.
Labels: elearning, Management
The fiends of hell awaited the doomed as they sang their rebellious jibe,
The walls were closing in, and day grew shorter,
The old and the weak fed the fangs of the beasts,
I watched as the fiends of hell exorcised their pain.
The dusk burned a fiery red when the high priest smote at the altar,
Our temple, now a burning ember
All were to serve, and servitude for all,
The night bore close, and the end all but nigh.
The priestess cackled at the old witch’s plight,
As her spirit acquiesced that
All were to serve, and servitude to all.
Ample sacrifice in spirit, the death of the light
The night did not come and the altar trembled with his words,
There was none but he,
All were to serve, and servitude to all.
I had a plan, a fiendish plan that I would climb the altar and spite the priest,
Impaled on the fiends’ fangs, I watched my clan
I spate the priest and bade him death,
That I drank from his cup and filled it with blood.
I most of all abhorred “All were to serve, and servitude to all”
Alas, the priestess would not sit still, her wand drew forth the vile spell,
I spate her as well
And as I walked to nether, cursed in the hell I call home…
Night, finally fell.
The walls were closing in, and day grew shorter,
The old and the weak fed the fangs of the beasts,
I watched as the fiends of hell exorcised their pain.
The dusk burned a fiery red when the high priest smote at the altar,
Our temple, now a burning ember
All were to serve, and servitude for all,
The night bore close, and the end all but nigh.
The priestess cackled at the old witch’s plight,
As her spirit acquiesced that
All were to serve, and servitude to all.
Ample sacrifice in spirit, the death of the light
The night did not come and the altar trembled with his words,
There was none but he,
All were to serve, and servitude to all.
I had a plan, a fiendish plan that I would climb the altar and spite the priest,
Impaled on the fiends’ fangs, I watched my clan
I spate the priest and bade him death,
That I drank from his cup and filled it with blood.
I most of all abhorred “All were to serve, and servitude to all”
Alas, the priestess would not sit still, her wand drew forth the vile spell,
I spate her as well
And as I walked to nether, cursed in the hell I call home…
Night, finally fell.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
The Dead City
India was shining, Shanghai was calling, people had terminal cases of euphoria and then all of a sudden it just rained. The dreams, just like the roads, washed away along with lives, faith in administration and, thankfully, the false sense of hope the city folk had in the rest of the country giving a damn – perhaps the ultimate act of callousness was no aid coming to Bombay, just a flood of text messages praising the ‘spirit of the city.’ It will take years now to get really serious about development. What are the options? All the city’s problems come down to these two things:
Financial independence from the country…
It’s pretty clear from the past debacle that whatever money that the city created for the rest of the country went into a black hole. Fifty years of funding the central exchequer and not a cent to show for it least of all and development aid in return! And since we are nice patriotic fools…we will continue doing so. The solution lies in a little piggy bank called a city trust fund. A simple solution where, a portion of income taxes or new taxes are imposed for the city’s upkeep – this seems like the only way the city can get the resources it needs. Now to push this through, start reopening the dance bars, entertainment taxes on all bars, pubs, nip joints, everything. This tax doesn’t even have to be that high…maybe 100 bucks per attendance. On every single watering hole that shouldn’t be too bad. The magic of this is the simplicity of it all! Watering holes are government registered. Now just increase their business timings in return for this and let the taxes flow in.
Infrastructure…
What is the best way to fund a road corridor, get your money back, and make money out of it? Warren Buffet once said that the best business he could think of was a Toll Station. So, let’s use this idea. Start road works on the Western, Eastern Highways, and major arterial roads. Make these roads indestructible, and immune to weather and traffic jams. When you do all that, open a toll booth and charge just 5 bucks for a car and 50 for a truck and that funds its upkeep. If the argument is that no one will want to pay for something that they have used for free for so long, well no one complains about the 100 they pay for the Poona expressway. Why? Because they are getting their money’s worth!
As for other infrastructure projects, things become a bit more complicated here. This is because infrastructure encompasses sewers, utilities and urban transport systems. Most of the operators in this arena are running bankrupt. BSES, BEST, BMC, Railways, these poor behemoths face one big problem…they are run by the government. Except for BSES that is run by Reliance, all the others need to be privatized immediately and not one person except the inept employees working would object. Oddly, it’s been the minorities that have scuttled all privatization initiatives, like the unions, various lobbies and politicians with vested interests.
India was shining, Shanghai was calling, people had terminal cases of euphoria and then all of a sudden it just rained. The dreams, just like the roads, washed away along with lives, faith in administration and, thankfully, the false sense of hope the city folk had in the rest of the country giving a damn – perhaps the ultimate act of callousness was no aid coming to Bombay, just a flood of text messages praising the ‘spirit of the city.’ It will take years now to get really serious about development. What are the options? All the city’s problems come down to these two things:
Financial independence from the country…
It’s pretty clear from the past debacle that whatever money that the city created for the rest of the country went into a black hole. Fifty years of funding the central exchequer and not a cent to show for it least of all and development aid in return! And since we are nice patriotic fools…we will continue doing so. The solution lies in a little piggy bank called a city trust fund. A simple solution where, a portion of income taxes or new taxes are imposed for the city’s upkeep – this seems like the only way the city can get the resources it needs. Now to push this through, start reopening the dance bars, entertainment taxes on all bars, pubs, nip joints, everything. This tax doesn’t even have to be that high…maybe 100 bucks per attendance. On every single watering hole that shouldn’t be too bad. The magic of this is the simplicity of it all! Watering holes are government registered. Now just increase their business timings in return for this and let the taxes flow in.
Infrastructure…
What is the best way to fund a road corridor, get your money back, and make money out of it? Warren Buffet once said that the best business he could think of was a Toll Station. So, let’s use this idea. Start road works on the Western, Eastern Highways, and major arterial roads. Make these roads indestructible, and immune to weather and traffic jams. When you do all that, open a toll booth and charge just 5 bucks for a car and 50 for a truck and that funds its upkeep. If the argument is that no one will want to pay for something that they have used for free for so long, well no one complains about the 100 they pay for the Poona expressway. Why? Because they are getting their money’s worth!
As for other infrastructure projects, things become a bit more complicated here. This is because infrastructure encompasses sewers, utilities and urban transport systems. Most of the operators in this arena are running bankrupt. BSES, BEST, BMC, Railways, these poor behemoths face one big problem…they are run by the government. Except for BSES that is run by Reliance, all the others need to be privatized immediately and not one person except the inept employees working would object. Oddly, it’s been the minorities that have scuttled all privatization initiatives, like the unions, various lobbies and politicians with vested interests.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Mediocrity, antagonism, irresponsibility, servility
Mediocrity, antagonism, irresponsibility, servility…..these gloomy words are the Indian Ethos. Unlike other countries that have done away with their social ills like witch hunts, slavery, institutionalized inequality of the sexes, and institutionalized racism, we have kept mediocrity, antagonism, irresponsibility, servility close to our heart.
We love to be mediocre. Observe a transaction in any rural market. A woman asks the price of veggies, the vendor quotes. The woman is flabbergasted and then goes on to criticize the state of the produce and their absolutely low quality. She will then proceed to use that information as a bargaining chip. Now if the produce is so damn bad, how come you are buying rotten tomatoes! So this is an ingrained training at the grassroots of how “mediocre” isn’t so bad as long as you buy it a good price.
How does this tie into the ethos? Look at every product created in this country. From a bar of soap to a car; none of these can be used in other countries as is. They have to be modified in some way or the other – even when we export ourselves sometimes. The question is why? Why do we like to live in posh areas – adjacent to slums, why do we like to drive our Hyundai Sonatas – over pot holed roads, why do we drink Scotch whisky – and then have a swig of hepatitis infected water? Is it because we are still getting “there”, because we have only been independent for 50 years, because we have a large population, or is it because we just don’t know any better? The effort involved in properly tarring over a road is nothing! Just have teams working 24 hour shifts and finish a road in 2 days flat! To make sure drinking water not contaminated with human waste, build a casing, eliminate hutments, shoot the bastards who shit in your glass of water! Enough of the excuses about all the problems we have. We have enough examples around us to show us the way to live properly. But you see no one here will do it because no one can see the problem. Hepatitis will come and go, there may be a few accidents but before elections the roads will be done up, and slums – well they make for good domestic labor! So, eventually the problem will go away but if comes back, we can always blame that most famous edict of cow worshippers – destiny – and we can’t change that even if we wanted to.
And what happens to the people who call for change? Antagonize them and say that they are anti-Indian and elitist. These are not the responses of vested interests but of the regular citizenry. When we developed nuclear weapons instead of creating power generation units, the world laughed while our population celebrated. All we wanted was to show the world that we were also grown up….Think about another scenario. Try and criticize an Indian on an aspect. What do you get? “Can you do any better? What? You think you are so great or what?” I say “No, you stupid shit, I am telling you how fucked you are. Now do something about it!”
Authorities are irresponsible, industries are irresponsible, people are irresponsible, and the list goes on! Manish Khatau, ran through a police blockade, injured a cop, and when caught said. “Jaanta hai main kaun hoon?” Now, he is sitting at home watching TV, daddy paid the cops, and the injured cop is probably just out of the ICU. No doubt he will be warned not to pursue the case.
We don’t care about the environment because….well we have to make money right? And that is what we respect more than anything! So cut down the trees, put plastic in the drains, poop on the streets and when the city floods, blame the government for jaundice, on there not being a ban against plastic bags, and on floods that fill basements.
Finally, servility…have you ever seen how we turn into mush in front of cops, foreigners and film stars? It is this very attitude that allowed us to be colonized in the first place. Whereas in places like China, when colonizers got too close to the government, bang comes the Boxer rebellion and out goes the invaders. The fact is that we need masters. One can safely say that without Gandhi there would be no independence; however, if there was a Gandhi and the rest of the congress party wasn’t then we would have still been independent. We need a God, an idol, a god-man; somebody has to lead the cattle. An interesting fall-out of practicing cow worship for so long!
Mediocrity, antagonism, irresponsibility, servility…..these gloomy words are the Indian Ethos. Unlike other countries that have done away with their social ills like witch hunts, slavery, institutionalized inequality of the sexes, and institutionalized racism, we have kept mediocrity, antagonism, irresponsibility, servility close to our heart.
We love to be mediocre. Observe a transaction in any rural market. A woman asks the price of veggies, the vendor quotes. The woman is flabbergasted and then goes on to criticize the state of the produce and their absolutely low quality. She will then proceed to use that information as a bargaining chip. Now if the produce is so damn bad, how come you are buying rotten tomatoes! So this is an ingrained training at the grassroots of how “mediocre” isn’t so bad as long as you buy it a good price.
How does this tie into the ethos? Look at every product created in this country. From a bar of soap to a car; none of these can be used in other countries as is. They have to be modified in some way or the other – even when we export ourselves sometimes. The question is why? Why do we like to live in posh areas – adjacent to slums, why do we like to drive our Hyundai Sonatas – over pot holed roads, why do we drink Scotch whisky – and then have a swig of hepatitis infected water? Is it because we are still getting “there”, because we have only been independent for 50 years, because we have a large population, or is it because we just don’t know any better? The effort involved in properly tarring over a road is nothing! Just have teams working 24 hour shifts and finish a road in 2 days flat! To make sure drinking water not contaminated with human waste, build a casing, eliminate hutments, shoot the bastards who shit in your glass of water! Enough of the excuses about all the problems we have. We have enough examples around us to show us the way to live properly. But you see no one here will do it because no one can see the problem. Hepatitis will come and go, there may be a few accidents but before elections the roads will be done up, and slums – well they make for good domestic labor! So, eventually the problem will go away but if comes back, we can always blame that most famous edict of cow worshippers – destiny – and we can’t change that even if we wanted to.
And what happens to the people who call for change? Antagonize them and say that they are anti-Indian and elitist. These are not the responses of vested interests but of the regular citizenry. When we developed nuclear weapons instead of creating power generation units, the world laughed while our population celebrated. All we wanted was to show the world that we were also grown up….Think about another scenario. Try and criticize an Indian on an aspect. What do you get? “Can you do any better? What? You think you are so great or what?” I say “No, you stupid shit, I am telling you how fucked you are. Now do something about it!”
Authorities are irresponsible, industries are irresponsible, people are irresponsible, and the list goes on! Manish Khatau, ran through a police blockade, injured a cop, and when caught said. “Jaanta hai main kaun hoon?” Now, he is sitting at home watching TV, daddy paid the cops, and the injured cop is probably just out of the ICU. No doubt he will be warned not to pursue the case.
We don’t care about the environment because….well we have to make money right? And that is what we respect more than anything! So cut down the trees, put plastic in the drains, poop on the streets and when the city floods, blame the government for jaundice, on there not being a ban against plastic bags, and on floods that fill basements.
Finally, servility…have you ever seen how we turn into mush in front of cops, foreigners and film stars? It is this very attitude that allowed us to be colonized in the first place. Whereas in places like China, when colonizers got too close to the government, bang comes the Boxer rebellion and out goes the invaders. The fact is that we need masters. One can safely say that without Gandhi there would be no independence; however, if there was a Gandhi and the rest of the congress party wasn’t then we would have still been independent. We need a God, an idol, a god-man; somebody has to lead the cattle. An interesting fall-out of practicing cow worship for so long!
Interview with an Anti-National
Good morning. How are you?
As good as it gets, which isn’t too great. Could be better, could be someplace else….
What do you mean?
Well, the obvious is that i am stuck in country that never fails to disappoint me year after year. Damn I think that we just got independence too damn early! Actually, if you think about it, it’s a pretty open question when we should have got it.
So what you are saying is that you would much rather be a slave to a colonist than a free man?
I admit that most colonizers are the last people on earth that genuinely look out for the absolute good of their colony but then again, I get this feeling that the British would have done a hell of a lot more for the country than we have done for ourselves.
How can you be sure? Look at Jamaica for example. Unemployment is alarming, drug usage, mafia….?
True. Now let’s look at Hong Kong, Macau and Singapore. Singapore is independent but only recently in the 60’s or so. Why did all these countries do so darn well while so many “independent” ones fail? The reason is simple. They waited. They learned from people who already made their mistakes and achieved successes. That is something we in India failed to do!
But we are the largest democracy in the world. Freedom of speech, choice, trade, everything!
Not to take anything away from democracy but what happens when you give a monkey a grenade? Sure we have elections but are they really free and fair? When we do have “free and fair” polling, do we end up with the Prime Minister or President of our choice? Look at the American, French or British system. You are pretty much voting for the man and not just the party.
Now as for freedom of speech, remember the emergency? Remember Tehelka? Freedom of speech and expressions are ideals in the waste paper basket of the constitution. Freedom of choice: Why do Indians pay more for fuel than any other country in the world? Why don’t we have more power and electricity in our cities? In the case of fuel, our economic patriotism is the culprit. As for electricity, it’s all about the politics of it all.
All Indians are united on the stand that India is a growing Tiger economy.
Well it is. IT is going to be the biggest killer on the block. We might even invent something wonderful that earns us a lot in Royalties. But then again, is that going to take Indians or India forward?
In 50 years, the percentage under the poverty line has stayed the same. Why? Population growth - there is no argument about that. So how in hells name did our population snowball so badly that we couldn’t control it? That has been our biggest failure, the inability of the family planning campaign. And why is that? 60% of our country didn’t care or were illiterate. And perhaps the last 40% were more interested in getting a boy in the family that they ended up having 3 girls in the process.
The point here is that we need to move away from the “economy” and focus more on human development. The economy is controlled by corporations and the ministry of finance so leave them to do the good job of making money for the country. Now focus on educating your people, providing infrastructure, dams, roads, electricity and water. And finally don’t censor your media. Let them expose corruption when it happens, show the dreary lives of sex workers, showcase how our justice system doesn’t work and then the outrage will start a silent revolution.
But this is a country that is just a fifty years into democracy and living as an independent nation!
Reality check sweetheart. Singapore, Malaysia, Japan….all these guys were ruined by WWII – just like us. Fancy then that they are a different solar system away from us in the terms of development. The only unfortunate part of the entire deal with these countries is that the same people who took them to greatness – that one person who steered the course of the country’s development turned into a despot. Look at South Korea. In the sixties a massive effort was made to wipe out illiteracy there and within the decade their country was literate and economically on the cusp of greatness. What did we do in the sixties? Well, we had emergency, we fought wars with our neighbors, and created a country to the East.
Ok, now let’s assume that those were things that just had to be done at the time. Why couldn’t our leaders stop throttling the economy? One thing that you have to hand to Indians - They make Jews look like salesmen for aluminum siding! If the Government of India decided to just let industry make its money and not have a million licenses and restrictions, God we’d be a different country now! But why are we suddenly talking about the economy? Because that is what funds social development! At the end of the day, somebody has to pay for the bridges, schools, teachers, dams, power stations and what all. The Government of India was not interested in all these things!
Politicians are a malaise of every country. How can you defame a country because of its politicians?
Simple! We love the idiots we put in power. Never mind that….what are the reasons that we vote for a person? If you are a middle class voter, you are looking for an MP that will cut YOUR taxes, which will clear slums so that YOU can have a better view from your window, and that will kick the police into action because YOU don’t feel safe and the final insult of it all – because he is of your creed!
Consider that! When is that last time that any of you voted for somebody who will alleviate poverty? Or spend the defense budget on educating Bihar. Lost causes you say? Bull I say! The Indian electorate doesn’t care for issues more than the basics. Worse, the Indian voter doesn’t vote for the country, he votes for himself.
Now for the politicians, anybody noticed that the BJP came into power last time round? Now tell me who is worse? The public after seeing the mosque demolitions and the Bombay riots puts a right-wing religious fanatical party into power. And then the damn voters are bloody outraged that 3000 are killed in Gujarat? That the defense minister made a bundle out of the Kargil coffin scam and is still in parliament? And saddest of all, this electorate is outraged when the most peaceful minority community, Christians, started getting prosecuted by VHP activists?
So you see the point is that if you put psychopaths in power do you expect them to actually turn into red-cross volunteers? My only prayer is that our fellow idiots have learned about the dangers of right-wing politics.
Again, assuming that these are mistakes that have already happened, do you think that we will learn from our mistakes?
Now this goes to the very being of the Indian ethos. Sadly, Indians are the only people that condone crime and evil as a necessity of the time. I remember an incident where a dacoit was caught for murder and when questioned, he said, “I am not sorry for the murder, the man I killed; it was in his destiny to die, it had to be; otherwise, he wouldn’t have died.”
That is the attitude the Indian brain works with. Fatalism – all things just are, don’t fight it. Ok, now take that to the family level. Ever noticed how we encourage our kids to lie? Don’t believe me? What does an average Indian mom say to her kid, when she doesn’t want him to have a toy or some implement? “The crow took it away.” Or some nonsense like that! You are teaching your kids that it’s ok to lie! In a Western society, this is the basis of all human interaction – that you don’t lie!
So then these same kids grow up, drive their first cars and start behaving like the road is their dad’s property, disregarding others and the rules. Well, the cops don’t care cause they are there to make money from any driver whether guilty or not. The others don’t really complain, curiously, until it actually bothers their driving.
Next phase – these kids get married. Then you have sexual abuse, marital rape, oppression of women, dowry deaths, and honor killings – all those wonderful things that make the headlines in a Chandigarh daily.
Where could all this be stopped? Teaching your kid honesty and integrity – something the Indian gene is allergic to. Tell him that it isn’t ok to lie, tell him that his sister is truly his equal (Hell! Tell him that she is his prettier male twin!), tell him to protect trees, innocent animals and people who need help, tell him or her that someday they are going to have sex and that it’s ok as long as they are safe about it, and tell them that at every point in life to respect the law! Every law! Do not take shortcuts with the law! If you think that is too much effort, don’t break the fucking law!
All this sounds like the rants of an angry man. How does this tie into “Bring the British back?” And why do you assume that things will never change?
Don’t get me wrong lady! I’ll settle for the Chinese even!
How does this tie in? Ever noticed how the beggar kids always run to foreign tourists? It’s programmed into our heads to be subservient. When a foreign delegation comes to a company, observe how the garlands and face paint come out? When you are in Goa, how one section of beach is guarded so that the White Saheb’s air isn’t polluted by Indians? And finally, observe how we work 8 hours here don’t take crap from anybody but as soon as we go abroad, we live in squalor, work in sweat shops, get called brownies by our bosses and end up working 16 hours.
It is time to realize. To realize that we unfortunately are a race of noble servants – we love to grovel, it brings warmth to hearts when we know that someone is leading us and closer to white the better.
Why will things never change? Well we had 3000 years as a civilization to evolve and we still indulge in idolatry and cow-worship. Don’t get me wrong! I love cows. Most loving stupid creatures but, people, you are worshipping nonsense! You have diluted the original philosophy to monkey and elephant heads and then you go out into the world stage and expect to be taken seriously??? Often have my whiter and blacker friends at school told me that it’s interesting how we worship their lunch items and whether the Indian bible is a menu. Did I get pissed? Patriotic? No! I laughed because it’s true! Indian religion is just one big freak show and nothing else.
If you are so darn fed up of Indians then why don’t you get the hell out of this country?
Very good point!
I have noticed that that’s the first reaction most people have when shown in the Indian mirror.
And now for the rebuttal – The only thing wrong with India is Indians! Just like the only thing wrong with Israel are the Jews! But since they at least try to make a difference we’ll focus on our losers instead.
Curious that instead of accepting criticism and doing something about it, what most of us want to do is kill the critic; reminds me of Tehelka.
Being someone who was born and brought up in another country, I have the power to look objectively at this country without the blinds of patriotism.
Unfortunately, I might just have to take your advice because I don’t see things changing over here for a long time to come. Ah! You are thinking why don’t I do something about it? Remember Indira, Sanjay and Rajiv Gandhi tried to do something for this country? Remember the peaceful leftist who tried to instill a sense of social equality and justice in the 60s? Remember the Congress MP who sheltered fifty Muslims from certain death in Gujarat? Remember the Mittals who tried to come back and improve the county’s steel production?
The all left and went away in some way or another. These are all people who tried to go against the grain and do something about the people they loved and cared for. But they were truly idiots. Fools who wasted their lives and only four of them may make it to the History channel. Why? Because they fought for improvement, progress, justice and social equality. These are values the average Indian has never known or want to know because it doesn’t really affect him and that is irrespective of the social strata.
Good morning. How are you?
As good as it gets, which isn’t too great. Could be better, could be someplace else….
What do you mean?
Well, the obvious is that i am stuck in country that never fails to disappoint me year after year. Damn I think that we just got independence too damn early! Actually, if you think about it, it’s a pretty open question when we should have got it.
So what you are saying is that you would much rather be a slave to a colonist than a free man?
I admit that most colonizers are the last people on earth that genuinely look out for the absolute good of their colony but then again, I get this feeling that the British would have done a hell of a lot more for the country than we have done for ourselves.
How can you be sure? Look at Jamaica for example. Unemployment is alarming, drug usage, mafia….?
True. Now let’s look at Hong Kong, Macau and Singapore. Singapore is independent but only recently in the 60’s or so. Why did all these countries do so darn well while so many “independent” ones fail? The reason is simple. They waited. They learned from people who already made their mistakes and achieved successes. That is something we in India failed to do!
But we are the largest democracy in the world. Freedom of speech, choice, trade, everything!
Not to take anything away from democracy but what happens when you give a monkey a grenade? Sure we have elections but are they really free and fair? When we do have “free and fair” polling, do we end up with the Prime Minister or President of our choice? Look at the American, French or British system. You are pretty much voting for the man and not just the party.
Now as for freedom of speech, remember the emergency? Remember Tehelka? Freedom of speech and expressions are ideals in the waste paper basket of the constitution. Freedom of choice: Why do Indians pay more for fuel than any other country in the world? Why don’t we have more power and electricity in our cities? In the case of fuel, our economic patriotism is the culprit. As for electricity, it’s all about the politics of it all.
All Indians are united on the stand that India is a growing Tiger economy.
Well it is. IT is going to be the biggest killer on the block. We might even invent something wonderful that earns us a lot in Royalties. But then again, is that going to take Indians or India forward?
In 50 years, the percentage under the poverty line has stayed the same. Why? Population growth - there is no argument about that. So how in hells name did our population snowball so badly that we couldn’t control it? That has been our biggest failure, the inability of the family planning campaign. And why is that? 60% of our country didn’t care or were illiterate. And perhaps the last 40% were more interested in getting a boy in the family that they ended up having 3 girls in the process.
The point here is that we need to move away from the “economy” and focus more on human development. The economy is controlled by corporations and the ministry of finance so leave them to do the good job of making money for the country. Now focus on educating your people, providing infrastructure, dams, roads, electricity and water. And finally don’t censor your media. Let them expose corruption when it happens, show the dreary lives of sex workers, showcase how our justice system doesn’t work and then the outrage will start a silent revolution.
But this is a country that is just a fifty years into democracy and living as an independent nation!
Reality check sweetheart. Singapore, Malaysia, Japan….all these guys were ruined by WWII – just like us. Fancy then that they are a different solar system away from us in the terms of development. The only unfortunate part of the entire deal with these countries is that the same people who took them to greatness – that one person who steered the course of the country’s development turned into a despot. Look at South Korea. In the sixties a massive effort was made to wipe out illiteracy there and within the decade their country was literate and economically on the cusp of greatness. What did we do in the sixties? Well, we had emergency, we fought wars with our neighbors, and created a country to the East.
Ok, now let’s assume that those were things that just had to be done at the time. Why couldn’t our leaders stop throttling the economy? One thing that you have to hand to Indians - They make Jews look like salesmen for aluminum siding! If the Government of India decided to just let industry make its money and not have a million licenses and restrictions, God we’d be a different country now! But why are we suddenly talking about the economy? Because that is what funds social development! At the end of the day, somebody has to pay for the bridges, schools, teachers, dams, power stations and what all. The Government of India was not interested in all these things!
Politicians are a malaise of every country. How can you defame a country because of its politicians?
Simple! We love the idiots we put in power. Never mind that….what are the reasons that we vote for a person? If you are a middle class voter, you are looking for an MP that will cut YOUR taxes, which will clear slums so that YOU can have a better view from your window, and that will kick the police into action because YOU don’t feel safe and the final insult of it all – because he is of your creed!
Consider that! When is that last time that any of you voted for somebody who will alleviate poverty? Or spend the defense budget on educating Bihar. Lost causes you say? Bull I say! The Indian electorate doesn’t care for issues more than the basics. Worse, the Indian voter doesn’t vote for the country, he votes for himself.
Now for the politicians, anybody noticed that the BJP came into power last time round? Now tell me who is worse? The public after seeing the mosque demolitions and the Bombay riots puts a right-wing religious fanatical party into power. And then the damn voters are bloody outraged that 3000 are killed in Gujarat? That the defense minister made a bundle out of the Kargil coffin scam and is still in parliament? And saddest of all, this electorate is outraged when the most peaceful minority community, Christians, started getting prosecuted by VHP activists?
So you see the point is that if you put psychopaths in power do you expect them to actually turn into red-cross volunteers? My only prayer is that our fellow idiots have learned about the dangers of right-wing politics.
Again, assuming that these are mistakes that have already happened, do you think that we will learn from our mistakes?
Now this goes to the very being of the Indian ethos. Sadly, Indians are the only people that condone crime and evil as a necessity of the time. I remember an incident where a dacoit was caught for murder and when questioned, he said, “I am not sorry for the murder, the man I killed; it was in his destiny to die, it had to be; otherwise, he wouldn’t have died.”
That is the attitude the Indian brain works with. Fatalism – all things just are, don’t fight it. Ok, now take that to the family level. Ever noticed how we encourage our kids to lie? Don’t believe me? What does an average Indian mom say to her kid, when she doesn’t want him to have a toy or some implement? “The crow took it away.” Or some nonsense like that! You are teaching your kids that it’s ok to lie! In a Western society, this is the basis of all human interaction – that you don’t lie!
So then these same kids grow up, drive their first cars and start behaving like the road is their dad’s property, disregarding others and the rules. Well, the cops don’t care cause they are there to make money from any driver whether guilty or not. The others don’t really complain, curiously, until it actually bothers their driving.
Next phase – these kids get married. Then you have sexual abuse, marital rape, oppression of women, dowry deaths, and honor killings – all those wonderful things that make the headlines in a Chandigarh daily.
Where could all this be stopped? Teaching your kid honesty and integrity – something the Indian gene is allergic to. Tell him that it isn’t ok to lie, tell him that his sister is truly his equal (Hell! Tell him that she is his prettier male twin!), tell him to protect trees, innocent animals and people who need help, tell him or her that someday they are going to have sex and that it’s ok as long as they are safe about it, and tell them that at every point in life to respect the law! Every law! Do not take shortcuts with the law! If you think that is too much effort, don’t break the fucking law!
All this sounds like the rants of an angry man. How does this tie into “Bring the British back?” And why do you assume that things will never change?
Don’t get me wrong lady! I’ll settle for the Chinese even!
How does this tie in? Ever noticed how the beggar kids always run to foreign tourists? It’s programmed into our heads to be subservient. When a foreign delegation comes to a company, observe how the garlands and face paint come out? When you are in Goa, how one section of beach is guarded so that the White Saheb’s air isn’t polluted by Indians? And finally, observe how we work 8 hours here don’t take crap from anybody but as soon as we go abroad, we live in squalor, work in sweat shops, get called brownies by our bosses and end up working 16 hours.
It is time to realize. To realize that we unfortunately are a race of noble servants – we love to grovel, it brings warmth to hearts when we know that someone is leading us and closer to white the better.
Why will things never change? Well we had 3000 years as a civilization to evolve and we still indulge in idolatry and cow-worship. Don’t get me wrong! I love cows. Most loving stupid creatures but, people, you are worshipping nonsense! You have diluted the original philosophy to monkey and elephant heads and then you go out into the world stage and expect to be taken seriously??? Often have my whiter and blacker friends at school told me that it’s interesting how we worship their lunch items and whether the Indian bible is a menu. Did I get pissed? Patriotic? No! I laughed because it’s true! Indian religion is just one big freak show and nothing else.
If you are so darn fed up of Indians then why don’t you get the hell out of this country?
Very good point!
I have noticed that that’s the first reaction most people have when shown in the Indian mirror.
And now for the rebuttal – The only thing wrong with India is Indians! Just like the only thing wrong with Israel are the Jews! But since they at least try to make a difference we’ll focus on our losers instead.
Curious that instead of accepting criticism and doing something about it, what most of us want to do is kill the critic; reminds me of Tehelka.
Being someone who was born and brought up in another country, I have the power to look objectively at this country without the blinds of patriotism.
Unfortunately, I might just have to take your advice because I don’t see things changing over here for a long time to come. Ah! You are thinking why don’t I do something about it? Remember Indira, Sanjay and Rajiv Gandhi tried to do something for this country? Remember the peaceful leftist who tried to instill a sense of social equality and justice in the 60s? Remember the Congress MP who sheltered fifty Muslims from certain death in Gujarat? Remember the Mittals who tried to come back and improve the county’s steel production?
The all left and went away in some way or another. These are all people who tried to go against the grain and do something about the people they loved and cared for. But they were truly idiots. Fools who wasted their lives and only four of them may make it to the History channel. Why? Because they fought for improvement, progress, justice and social equality. These are values the average Indian has never known or want to know because it doesn’t really affect him and that is irrespective of the social strata.
Meteorite strikes Mumbai suburb of Andheri
Bihar acquires CMM level 5 rating, Confederation of Indian Industries in Turmoil!
Newly formed kingdom of Bandra gets a new parliament building.
Meteorite strikes Mumbai suburb of Andheri.
Good afternoon and welcome to the news at 12. I am Aedid Asid
Laloo Prasad Yadav has created another first by acquiring a CMM level 5 rating for his state Bihar. The news of the rating being given to the state was released to the media at 3 am local time.
The ISO and BIS organizations have decided to follow suit and give the state ISO 1000 ratings and its equivalent for the BIS standards. There were uproarious scenes in parliament when LPY broke the news in the Lok Sabha. The BJP has launched an opposition enquiry into Bihar’s achievement.
Sources tell us that the surveys for the rating were conducted at 2am when most of Bihar was asleep and there was no one to complain about the state of affairs. The only respondent was apparently a dacoit and RJD MLA, Babloo Yadav. Who said that things couldn’t have been better for him in Bihar. With the addition of the tenth microwave oven in the whole state, a spokesperson for the ratings organization said that the addition of the ovens was all that was need to attain the CMM level 5 rating.
The CII has protested at the backward state’s acquisition of a CMM 5 and said that this negated all the efforts of companies in India buying microwave ovens for their pantries and doctoring employee satisfaction indices.
In other ratings news, Moody’s has now downgraded Bihar from Needs to be Nuked to Not Nuked yet????? And Ekta Kapoor’s Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu thi has acquired a six sigma status.
Two days into the formation of the Kingdom of Bandra, His highness Mascarenhas has declared that a parliament needs to be setup. The declaration was made as the King is not able to focus on such a sizeable amount of administrative and political work due to a constant state of stupor.
The new parliament will be housed in Café Mocha near St. Andrews church.
The first decisions facing the new parliament will be the creation of an army, the break-up of which includes the Goan brigade, Karwar Jawans, Sindh rifles and East Indian Command.
The local Muslim population has been miffed by the decision by not being included in the new armed forces.
In a response to the accusation, an inebriated Mascarenhas said, “ Baaaaashtud fuking Momedian buggers! Want to join Bandra’s army? Oh fi! When these zownias went to the States to learn to fly, look what dey did! Balls I’ll let these Kutloo fuckers hold a gun!”
The local constabulary is on high alert expecting riots anytime after dark.
In other news, Salman Khan has been named the minister of defense, Vivek Oberoi minister of information, broadcasting and propaganda, A. D Singh Minister of Finance and Sunil Dutt the Minister of Kablooie. When Dutt was asked what Kablooie was he said he didn’t know but he was excited that he was going to be given a real and meaningful portfolio for the first time. Political analysts aren’t as confident.
Officials from the Met Office said that a meteorite struck the Andheri-Kurla link road in the early hours of the morning. Locals are puzzled about events as they claim that they didn’t hear explosions or feel any tremors.
A senior medical observer pointed out that the residents of Andheri have been living under the constant barrage of heavy machinery digging up roads for the past 6 months so the combination of partial deafness and being used to quake style vibrations is probably the cause for the confusion.
However, due to the extensive digging up of the area, scientists are confused as to the exact impact zone of the meteor. Most areas of Andheri have been searched and there have been no results yet due the extensive conversion of Andheri into a massive trench.
In related news, Army jawans will now be training on the roads of Andheri to get a real life feel of Trench warfare. On questions about whether this will disturb the flow of traffic, an RTO official said, “Flow? Flow manje ka? Andhericha road ek biscuit packet sarka aahey. Fullltoo jaaam!” “Chala, komdivade khaowya ki ata?”
The Marol citizens group has been looking at new names for the suburb and some of the suggestions are:
Khupchi waadi,
Khadda Sheher,
Dhool Bareilly
And the most controversial Dancebaristan.
Bihar acquires CMM level 5 rating, Confederation of Indian Industries in Turmoil!
Newly formed kingdom of Bandra gets a new parliament building.
Meteorite strikes Mumbai suburb of Andheri.
Good afternoon and welcome to the news at 12. I am Aedid Asid
Laloo Prasad Yadav has created another first by acquiring a CMM level 5 rating for his state Bihar. The news of the rating being given to the state was released to the media at 3 am local time.
The ISO and BIS organizations have decided to follow suit and give the state ISO 1000 ratings and its equivalent for the BIS standards. There were uproarious scenes in parliament when LPY broke the news in the Lok Sabha. The BJP has launched an opposition enquiry into Bihar’s achievement.
Sources tell us that the surveys for the rating were conducted at 2am when most of Bihar was asleep and there was no one to complain about the state of affairs. The only respondent was apparently a dacoit and RJD MLA, Babloo Yadav. Who said that things couldn’t have been better for him in Bihar. With the addition of the tenth microwave oven in the whole state, a spokesperson for the ratings organization said that the addition of the ovens was all that was need to attain the CMM level 5 rating.
The CII has protested at the backward state’s acquisition of a CMM 5 and said that this negated all the efforts of companies in India buying microwave ovens for their pantries and doctoring employee satisfaction indices.
In other ratings news, Moody’s has now downgraded Bihar from Needs to be Nuked to Not Nuked yet????? And Ekta Kapoor’s Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu thi has acquired a six sigma status.
Two days into the formation of the Kingdom of Bandra, His highness Mascarenhas has declared that a parliament needs to be setup. The declaration was made as the King is not able to focus on such a sizeable amount of administrative and political work due to a constant state of stupor.
The new parliament will be housed in Café Mocha near St. Andrews church.
The first decisions facing the new parliament will be the creation of an army, the break-up of which includes the Goan brigade, Karwar Jawans, Sindh rifles and East Indian Command.
The local Muslim population has been miffed by the decision by not being included in the new armed forces.
In a response to the accusation, an inebriated Mascarenhas said, “ Baaaaashtud fuking Momedian buggers! Want to join Bandra’s army? Oh fi! When these zownias went to the States to learn to fly, look what dey did! Balls I’ll let these Kutloo fuckers hold a gun!”
The local constabulary is on high alert expecting riots anytime after dark.
In other news, Salman Khan has been named the minister of defense, Vivek Oberoi minister of information, broadcasting and propaganda, A. D Singh Minister of Finance and Sunil Dutt the Minister of Kablooie. When Dutt was asked what Kablooie was he said he didn’t know but he was excited that he was going to be given a real and meaningful portfolio for the first time. Political analysts aren’t as confident.
Officials from the Met Office said that a meteorite struck the Andheri-Kurla link road in the early hours of the morning. Locals are puzzled about events as they claim that they didn’t hear explosions or feel any tremors.
A senior medical observer pointed out that the residents of Andheri have been living under the constant barrage of heavy machinery digging up roads for the past 6 months so the combination of partial deafness and being used to quake style vibrations is probably the cause for the confusion.
However, due to the extensive digging up of the area, scientists are confused as to the exact impact zone of the meteor. Most areas of Andheri have been searched and there have been no results yet due the extensive conversion of Andheri into a massive trench.
In related news, Army jawans will now be training on the roads of Andheri to get a real life feel of Trench warfare. On questions about whether this will disturb the flow of traffic, an RTO official said, “Flow? Flow manje ka? Andhericha road ek biscuit packet sarka aahey. Fullltoo jaaam!” “Chala, komdivade khaowya ki ata?”
The Marol citizens group has been looking at new names for the suburb and some of the suggestions are:
Khupchi waadi,
Khadda Sheher,
Dhool Bareilly
And the most controversial Dancebaristan.
International news! Antarctica new axis of evil!
African nations reach consensus on greetings. Traditional forms of greeting like Hello banned!
Antarctica declared as new center in the axis of evil by President Bush.
Australian nationalists declare complete independence from Britain. New flag design released!
China, Japan and Indo-China form new trading block for exchange of cullianary copyrights – SOY
African nations met in the Central African Republic to decide on further cultural integration. As a first step, after almost ten years of forming the New Integrated Group for Greater Assistance (NIGGA), traditional forms of greeting like the handshake, bowing, hello, hi, good morning, afternoon and evening will all be done away with. Allowed forms of greeting will now be high fives and the term Whoozyodaddy!
Eymologists are investigating claims that the term Whoozyodaddy is a Swahili derivative.
Leaders at the NIGGA conference were quickly ushered away after a vote of approval was passed as the 10th military coup in the space of 3 hours created a security “situation.”
Political and Cultural analysts doubt the feasibility of the new greetings as all the leaders that voted for the change hadn’t realized that upon their leaving their home nations, they were deposed by new military leaders.
Other discussion at the NIGGA conference included talks on AIDS and Ebola. Clarifications were issued to the press that these were not diseases but the latest rap groups which are all the rage in Nairobi.
The reporter who filed this report was then declared the military chief of staff after the 12th coup 15 mins after the conference was over.
We wish him well.
President Bush stunned the world today after getting an autographed copy of John Kerry’s latest book, There’s always next time, and after proclaiming Antarctica the new center after the axis of evil.
Analysts insist that since Iraq is off the terrorist hotspot list, it was time for Bush to expand his horizons – literally!
In a statement released later today, Dubbya said that as per the CIA’s analysis of the continent, there were millions of troops training for major warfare - scuba divers as well.
An anonymous source in the CIA has confirmed to us that the statements made by Bush referring to the troops and scuba divers referred to penguins and seals but admitted that both these were responsible for violent attacks on the local fish population.
In congress the democrats have asked that the seals and penguins be made to appear before the Hague tribunal for crimes against what an Arkansas Senator termed “Aquanity”.
The literature department at Oxford has refused to comment on the latest addition the English language.
Australian nationalists won a major victory today when they convinced Head of State John Howard to finally change the emblems of the Aussie flag. From now on the union jack at the corner of the flag will be replaced by a skewered shrimp and can of lager.
The Queen has expressed her admiration for Australians in their drive to gain an identity of their own and, surprisingly, even lauded the change in the flag.
“I sincerely believe that Australia’s greatest contribution to culture has been the shrimp on the Barbie and lager; though, I would have preferred Ayer’s rock on the flag!”
Inside sources in the Nationalist Parties Coalition – Australians Ready for a Separate Entity (ARSE) say that plans are on to replace the anthem with the Air Supply song, I’m All Outta Love.
Gay activists all over the world have lauded the decision and have decided to emigrate en masse to the land down under.
In a coincidental piece of news, the entire male population of Greece is expected to holiday/immigrate in/to Oz.
In a world without barriers the countries of Indo-China, China and Japan have decided to join borders and form one massive super continent called Soy. The new continent will have its capital in the former Hong Kong which will now be named Teriyakiville.
When the leaders of the super continent were asked why the merger, it has been said that since India’s emergence as a global power, the only thing going for Far Eastern countries will be Chinese food and the cuisines of the respective countries. The leaders claim that canned Schezuan will be the product of the future that could bring the WTO to its knees.
Sources in IIT , India, however, claim that they have produced a faster, cheaper and more durable version of the Schezuan and are ready to market it. On questions of how the “durability” may affect palateability. IIT spokespersons said that trials on humans haven’t been completed yet, so no comments. However, India’s outsourcing industry has already bagged the contract for production of the Schezuan and from now on the Chinese city of Wanton will named Bing Lu and Bangalore will be nicknamed Wanktown!
President Bush has expressed concern over the creation of Soy and said that he believes that Osama Bin Laden is hiding in the Thai resort of Pattaya. He retracted this statement after having confused the name of the most wanted terrorist with Pattaya’s famous eatery Ol’ Sammy’s Bloated. Bush also apologized for firing two patriot missiles at the restaurant over the past few years.
African nations reach consensus on greetings. Traditional forms of greeting like Hello banned!
Antarctica declared as new center in the axis of evil by President Bush.
Australian nationalists declare complete independence from Britain. New flag design released!
China, Japan and Indo-China form new trading block for exchange of cullianary copyrights – SOY
African nations met in the Central African Republic to decide on further cultural integration. As a first step, after almost ten years of forming the New Integrated Group for Greater Assistance (NIGGA), traditional forms of greeting like the handshake, bowing, hello, hi, good morning, afternoon and evening will all be done away with. Allowed forms of greeting will now be high fives and the term Whoozyodaddy!
Eymologists are investigating claims that the term Whoozyodaddy is a Swahili derivative.
Leaders at the NIGGA conference were quickly ushered away after a vote of approval was passed as the 10th military coup in the space of 3 hours created a security “situation.”
Political and Cultural analysts doubt the feasibility of the new greetings as all the leaders that voted for the change hadn’t realized that upon their leaving their home nations, they were deposed by new military leaders.
Other discussion at the NIGGA conference included talks on AIDS and Ebola. Clarifications were issued to the press that these were not diseases but the latest rap groups which are all the rage in Nairobi.
The reporter who filed this report was then declared the military chief of staff after the 12th coup 15 mins after the conference was over.
We wish him well.
President Bush stunned the world today after getting an autographed copy of John Kerry’s latest book, There’s always next time, and after proclaiming Antarctica the new center after the axis of evil.
Analysts insist that since Iraq is off the terrorist hotspot list, it was time for Bush to expand his horizons – literally!
In a statement released later today, Dubbya said that as per the CIA’s analysis of the continent, there were millions of troops training for major warfare - scuba divers as well.
An anonymous source in the CIA has confirmed to us that the statements made by Bush referring to the troops and scuba divers referred to penguins and seals but admitted that both these were responsible for violent attacks on the local fish population.
In congress the democrats have asked that the seals and penguins be made to appear before the Hague tribunal for crimes against what an Arkansas Senator termed “Aquanity”.
The literature department at Oxford has refused to comment on the latest addition the English language.
Australian nationalists won a major victory today when they convinced Head of State John Howard to finally change the emblems of the Aussie flag. From now on the union jack at the corner of the flag will be replaced by a skewered shrimp and can of lager.
The Queen has expressed her admiration for Australians in their drive to gain an identity of their own and, surprisingly, even lauded the change in the flag.
“I sincerely believe that Australia’s greatest contribution to culture has been the shrimp on the Barbie and lager; though, I would have preferred Ayer’s rock on the flag!”
Inside sources in the Nationalist Parties Coalition – Australians Ready for a Separate Entity (ARSE) say that plans are on to replace the anthem with the Air Supply song, I’m All Outta Love.
Gay activists all over the world have lauded the decision and have decided to emigrate en masse to the land down under.
In a coincidental piece of news, the entire male population of Greece is expected to holiday/immigrate in/to Oz.
In a world without barriers the countries of Indo-China, China and Japan have decided to join borders and form one massive super continent called Soy. The new continent will have its capital in the former Hong Kong which will now be named Teriyakiville.
When the leaders of the super continent were asked why the merger, it has been said that since India’s emergence as a global power, the only thing going for Far Eastern countries will be Chinese food and the cuisines of the respective countries. The leaders claim that canned Schezuan will be the product of the future that could bring the WTO to its knees.
Sources in IIT , India, however, claim that they have produced a faster, cheaper and more durable version of the Schezuan and are ready to market it. On questions of how the “durability” may affect palateability. IIT spokespersons said that trials on humans haven’t been completed yet, so no comments. However, India’s outsourcing industry has already bagged the contract for production of the Schezuan and from now on the Chinese city of Wanton will named Bing Lu and Bangalore will be nicknamed Wanktown!
President Bush has expressed concern over the creation of Soy and said that he believes that Osama Bin Laden is hiding in the Thai resort of Pattaya. He retracted this statement after having confused the name of the most wanted terrorist with Pattaya’s famous eatery Ol’ Sammy’s Bloated. Bush also apologized for firing two patriot missiles at the restaurant over the past few years.
Boman Irani speaks about his arrest!
After the failed coup attempt by members of Mumbai’s parsee community, calm has been restored to Mumbai and members of the revolt including Boman Irani – the self proclaimed minister of communications – were jailed for treason.
In this interview, we delve into the reasons behind the revolt and Boman’s future plans…..
Rep : Boman Irani, have you been officially charged with treason and a plot to overthrow a democratically elected government?
B: That is true but I don’t understand what the bother is all about considering that we were trying to improve the lot of the population.
R: You turned the city inside out! You used senior citizens as human shields!
B: I deny that! It was a miscommunication from our high command when our leader said, “Get all the guys and gals together!” Our leader just migrated back from Canada and he kinda forgot that the average Parsi “Guy” is 90 years old!
R: Is it true that you threatened MPs in the mantralaya with dire consequences if they didn’t submit to your demands.
B. True, we threatened to liquidate our collective holdings in all TATA companies on the spot! Apparently a stock market crash is cause enough to call for re-election.
R. But then what happened?
B: We realized that TATA is one of our own. That’s when the police stepped in!
R: Did you seriously think that you would destabilize the city’s economy by withholding ice cream and farsan?
B: Let me give you some figures, Mumbai eats ten tones of farsan everyday! Take that away and you’d have every nip bar in Mumbai down on its knees. No one would have their booze. Families would break up. Dance bars would close down…
R: And the ice-cream?
B: That was for our refreshment.
R: It almost looked like the coup worked for a while and you declared yourself a minister as well?
B: Yes for communications. Most parsees cant pronounce half the words in the English language properly due to dental issues. So since I was a theatre personality, it was a natural progression.
R: Dental issues?
B: No Teeth.
R: Em Chhe? Is it true that after you egged the 20 youths on to the mantralaya, you were hospitalized?
B: Correct. Feroze, my stupid assistant placed a cauldron of dhansak in my way and I fell in it. Painful. Bauu Painful thayee che!
R: You also passed a dictat that Gujrathis should no longer be allowed to say Chhe.
B: Yes but we Parsees can because we don’t use it as much. It was the collective decision of the Parsiana to do this as Gujjus talk way too much and too loud. The best way to shut them up would be this move. We anticipated a reduction in inane conversations on stockmarkets, kyunki saas, the latest white shirt and the diamond trade by 50%
R: So is this the end of all this?
B: Well, we are trying to get the Iranian government to put pressure for our release. It just might work, then we will continue our agitation from a more neutral location like Lonavla. Once we monopolise the chikki trade we are going to ethnically cleanse the country. One city at a time.
R: But what about your own reducing numbers?
B: Nonsense! We are a verile and potent lot.
R: I have bad news, your assistant Feroze just cashed in his chips!
B: Fuck! Soo Ma Chodech!!!! There goes the last ten parsi sperm we had in Bombay! Interview’s over!
After the failed coup attempt by members of Mumbai’s parsee community, calm has been restored to Mumbai and members of the revolt including Boman Irani – the self proclaimed minister of communications – were jailed for treason.
In this interview, we delve into the reasons behind the revolt and Boman’s future plans…..
Rep : Boman Irani, have you been officially charged with treason and a plot to overthrow a democratically elected government?
B: That is true but I don’t understand what the bother is all about considering that we were trying to improve the lot of the population.
R: You turned the city inside out! You used senior citizens as human shields!
B: I deny that! It was a miscommunication from our high command when our leader said, “Get all the guys and gals together!” Our leader just migrated back from Canada and he kinda forgot that the average Parsi “Guy” is 90 years old!
R: Is it true that you threatened MPs in the mantralaya with dire consequences if they didn’t submit to your demands.
B. True, we threatened to liquidate our collective holdings in all TATA companies on the spot! Apparently a stock market crash is cause enough to call for re-election.
R. But then what happened?
B: We realized that TATA is one of our own. That’s when the police stepped in!
R: Did you seriously think that you would destabilize the city’s economy by withholding ice cream and farsan?
B: Let me give you some figures, Mumbai eats ten tones of farsan everyday! Take that away and you’d have every nip bar in Mumbai down on its knees. No one would have their booze. Families would break up. Dance bars would close down…
R: And the ice-cream?
B: That was for our refreshment.
R: It almost looked like the coup worked for a while and you declared yourself a minister as well?
B: Yes for communications. Most parsees cant pronounce half the words in the English language properly due to dental issues. So since I was a theatre personality, it was a natural progression.
R: Dental issues?
B: No Teeth.
R: Em Chhe? Is it true that after you egged the 20 youths on to the mantralaya, you were hospitalized?
B: Correct. Feroze, my stupid assistant placed a cauldron of dhansak in my way and I fell in it. Painful. Bauu Painful thayee che!
R: You also passed a dictat that Gujrathis should no longer be allowed to say Chhe.
B: Yes but we Parsees can because we don’t use it as much. It was the collective decision of the Parsiana to do this as Gujjus talk way too much and too loud. The best way to shut them up would be this move. We anticipated a reduction in inane conversations on stockmarkets, kyunki saas, the latest white shirt and the diamond trade by 50%
R: So is this the end of all this?
B: Well, we are trying to get the Iranian government to put pressure for our release. It just might work, then we will continue our agitation from a more neutral location like Lonavla. Once we monopolise the chikki trade we are going to ethnically cleanse the country. One city at a time.
R: But what about your own reducing numbers?
B: Nonsense! We are a verile and potent lot.
R: I have bad news, your assistant Feroze just cashed in his chips!
B: Fuck! Soo Ma Chodech!!!! There goes the last ten parsi sperm we had in Bombay! Interview’s over!
The mid-day news today……
Bangalore declares itself the Dosa capital of the world. Jayalalitha protests!
Shiv Sena reinvents itself, Bal Thackeray to model for Versace!
Proposal to setup desalination plants draws flack from the Congress and Tusshar Gandhi!
In what is seen as a move by the Karnataka CM to claim superiority, in all aspects in Southern India, Bangalore has proclaimed itself the Dosa capital of the World! The CM claims that in the last quarter itself dosa production has climbed by a whopping 1 crore units! This is against the previous quarter’s increase in production of 75 lakh units.
The Ministry of Finance in New Delhi has confirmed the figures and said that because of the exponential increase in production, a new tax will be levied on every dosa sold. The so called dosa-tax is expected to earn the central government over 1,000 Cr in tax revenue. Chidambaram has also decided to tax thrift in other forms of life by imposing the following taxes.
IT-Tax – This tax will be over and above the income tax of IT employees and will extend to those who deal, walk near, call up an IT company by mistake and even mention the word IT more than 4 times a day.
Da-tax – To seize the opportunity to make some money out of this useless punctuation at the end of every sentence said in the south, a 10 rupee charge will be placed on every individual who utters it.
Amarider Singh of Punjab has protested against the new imposition of the tax but was placated after the phonetics of Da was specified in a later statement by the Prime Minister.
CM of Tamil Nadu, Jayalalitha, protested Bangalore’s Dosa Capital declaration by ordering the arrest of all her political opponents that are not in jail already. 2 people were arrested in the process off the Madras coast traveling in a raft. Police are denying allegations that the 2 were shipwreck survivors from an Indonesian carrier and insist that they are troublemakers from Karnataka.
Jayalalitha says that if her protests are not heeded by the center, she will hold a dosa making rally in Madras and Rajnikanth will be the Chief Executive of the newly formed Da Machha Dosa Institute. Mentioning the name of this institute will be tax exempt.
Jayalalitha made the protest from a New York studio while she was recording with Missy Elliot and other stars in a campaign to show support for Michael Jackson. Sources have told us that Jayalalitha feels that the children were asking for it and Jackson is only human. We are still trying to locate the bodily remains of the said sources.
Mumbai’s Shiv Sena has decided that it will abandon its staid image and do away with its upcoming plans to use the vadapav as its new mascot.
Uddhav, Raj and Bal Thackeray have decided to change the image of the Sena by “hiring” Donatella Versache who was in the city recently to design for them and the Sena.
In a statement on TV, Versache was seen sitting in the middle of a room stating that she was not harmed, harassed or under any kind of duress of the Sena and was designing for the Sena of her own free will. The news feed was suddenly blacked out after a team of Italian commandos suddenly stormed Shiv Sena bhavan offering free Old Monk and vadapav vouchers to the guards.
The Sena is now contemplating setting up a Shakha in Rome.
In other fashion news, Sena mouthpiece Saamna released its monthly fashion magazine KaashtiShaastra which named the Sena chief as the fashion icon of the year.
Due to anticipated acute water shortages in Maharashtra, help has been sought from the UAE to setup desalination plants over the state. The congress government has however opposed the move and Tusshar Gandhi, leading a crowd of congress workers, told reporters that no foreign expertise was required to extract salt from the sea.
Tensions were diffused when PM intervened and made a statement on DD that desalination was to acquire water and not salt.
Congress workers then turned on Gandhi after realizing that he was actually a BJP worker.
Bangalore declares itself the Dosa capital of the world. Jayalalitha protests!
Shiv Sena reinvents itself, Bal Thackeray to model for Versace!
Proposal to setup desalination plants draws flack from the Congress and Tusshar Gandhi!
In what is seen as a move by the Karnataka CM to claim superiority, in all aspects in Southern India, Bangalore has proclaimed itself the Dosa capital of the World! The CM claims that in the last quarter itself dosa production has climbed by a whopping 1 crore units! This is against the previous quarter’s increase in production of 75 lakh units.
The Ministry of Finance in New Delhi has confirmed the figures and said that because of the exponential increase in production, a new tax will be levied on every dosa sold. The so called dosa-tax is expected to earn the central government over 1,000 Cr in tax revenue. Chidambaram has also decided to tax thrift in other forms of life by imposing the following taxes.
IT-Tax – This tax will be over and above the income tax of IT employees and will extend to those who deal, walk near, call up an IT company by mistake and even mention the word IT more than 4 times a day.
Da-tax – To seize the opportunity to make some money out of this useless punctuation at the end of every sentence said in the south, a 10 rupee charge will be placed on every individual who utters it.
Amarider Singh of Punjab has protested against the new imposition of the tax but was placated after the phonetics of Da was specified in a later statement by the Prime Minister.
CM of Tamil Nadu, Jayalalitha, protested Bangalore’s Dosa Capital declaration by ordering the arrest of all her political opponents that are not in jail already. 2 people were arrested in the process off the Madras coast traveling in a raft. Police are denying allegations that the 2 were shipwreck survivors from an Indonesian carrier and insist that they are troublemakers from Karnataka.
Jayalalitha says that if her protests are not heeded by the center, she will hold a dosa making rally in Madras and Rajnikanth will be the Chief Executive of the newly formed Da Machha Dosa Institute. Mentioning the name of this institute will be tax exempt.
Jayalalitha made the protest from a New York studio while she was recording with Missy Elliot and other stars in a campaign to show support for Michael Jackson. Sources have told us that Jayalalitha feels that the children were asking for it and Jackson is only human. We are still trying to locate the bodily remains of the said sources.
Mumbai’s Shiv Sena has decided that it will abandon its staid image and do away with its upcoming plans to use the vadapav as its new mascot.
Uddhav, Raj and Bal Thackeray have decided to change the image of the Sena by “hiring” Donatella Versache who was in the city recently to design for them and the Sena.
In a statement on TV, Versache was seen sitting in the middle of a room stating that she was not harmed, harassed or under any kind of duress of the Sena and was designing for the Sena of her own free will. The news feed was suddenly blacked out after a team of Italian commandos suddenly stormed Shiv Sena bhavan offering free Old Monk and vadapav vouchers to the guards.
The Sena is now contemplating setting up a Shakha in Rome.
In other fashion news, Sena mouthpiece Saamna released its monthly fashion magazine KaashtiShaastra which named the Sena chief as the fashion icon of the year.
Due to anticipated acute water shortages in Maharashtra, help has been sought from the UAE to setup desalination plants over the state. The congress government has however opposed the move and Tusshar Gandhi, leading a crowd of congress workers, told reporters that no foreign expertise was required to extract salt from the sea.
Tensions were diffused when PM intervened and made a statement on DD that desalination was to acquire water and not salt.
Congress workers then turned on Gandhi after realizing that he was actually a BJP worker.
The Parsi Revolt!
News Flash!
On the occasion of Iranian New Year, peoples of Persian origin have attempted a sudden take over of Mumbai.
The parsee community has attempted to stall the local economy by closing the following institutions that caused widespread panic:
Zorabian Poultry
Juice hair salons
Rustom’s Ice Cream Parlour at Brabourne,
Ratan Tata Institute of Food,
All Tata industries and
Godrej industries.
Bharucha Farsan Mart
In what the local administration terms as a lesser threat Maureen Wadia has threatened to stop the Gladrags Modelhunt. Media houses, model coordinators and choreographers are however up in arms!
Chaotic scenes were witnessed outside every TATA business house at five o’clock but the police relaxed their alert as they discovered that all TATA employees leave at 5 o clock. However there are reports pouring in that employees and top management have been held hostage at TATA Interactive by a woman referred to as WAX. The WAX is a disgruntled employee who apparently was planning to take just the employees of Punjabi origin hostage but decided that after entering the premises with a Baretta, a rendition of Carmen in D minor would have been a nice change for all TIS employees. Negotiations are on to secure the hostages.
600 senior citizens of parsee origin decieded to block all traffic beyond the Dadar parsee colony by forming a barricade of walkers and sadras. The army has been called in to remove the blockades but they have been unsuccessful so far.
The Revolutionary Council for Bawa Youths which boasts membership of all parsees under the age of 30 have proceeded to take over the govenor’s office and mantralaya. Field reports say that the strength of the RCBY is being played down as the number of parsee youth in Mumbai number less than 20.
Noted theatre personality Boman Irani has setup his own propaganda wing for the take over and has said that his first act as Minister of Communications will be to teach all Gujrathis to delete the word “Chhe” from their vocabulary. He was later admitted to hospital after tripped and fell into a cauldron of dhansak made for the troops of the RCBY.
Security advisors in New Delhi are urging citizens to take extreme caution and say that the situation will be diffused in a few hours after STAR world will air a special episode of The Bold and the Beautiful, which would enable the army to tear down the barricades at Dadar. STAR claims that the show is only watched by partially blind and deaf parsees.
Local Shiv Sena corporators have blamed the congress for the turn of events and the congress has blamed the NCP which blamed the Sena for not implementing their own no-outsiders policy. Supremo Bal Thackeray protested that the Sena did not exist so many years ago when the immigration happened and finally blamed the NCP for that.
More news as it develops…..and back to your regular scheduled program, German Philosophy at the WAX Mueller Bhavan.
News Flash!
On the occasion of Iranian New Year, peoples of Persian origin have attempted a sudden take over of Mumbai.
The parsee community has attempted to stall the local economy by closing the following institutions that caused widespread panic:
Zorabian Poultry
Juice hair salons
Rustom’s Ice Cream Parlour at Brabourne,
Ratan Tata Institute of Food,
All Tata industries and
Godrej industries.
Bharucha Farsan Mart
In what the local administration terms as a lesser threat Maureen Wadia has threatened to stop the Gladrags Modelhunt. Media houses, model coordinators and choreographers are however up in arms!
Chaotic scenes were witnessed outside every TATA business house at five o’clock but the police relaxed their alert as they discovered that all TATA employees leave at 5 o clock. However there are reports pouring in that employees and top management have been held hostage at TATA Interactive by a woman referred to as WAX. The WAX is a disgruntled employee who apparently was planning to take just the employees of Punjabi origin hostage but decided that after entering the premises with a Baretta, a rendition of Carmen in D minor would have been a nice change for all TIS employees. Negotiations are on to secure the hostages.
600 senior citizens of parsee origin decieded to block all traffic beyond the Dadar parsee colony by forming a barricade of walkers and sadras. The army has been called in to remove the blockades but they have been unsuccessful so far.
The Revolutionary Council for Bawa Youths which boasts membership of all parsees under the age of 30 have proceeded to take over the govenor’s office and mantralaya. Field reports say that the strength of the RCBY is being played down as the number of parsee youth in Mumbai number less than 20.
Noted theatre personality Boman Irani has setup his own propaganda wing for the take over and has said that his first act as Minister of Communications will be to teach all Gujrathis to delete the word “Chhe” from their vocabulary. He was later admitted to hospital after tripped and fell into a cauldron of dhansak made for the troops of the RCBY.
Security advisors in New Delhi are urging citizens to take extreme caution and say that the situation will be diffused in a few hours after STAR world will air a special episode of The Bold and the Beautiful, which would enable the army to tear down the barricades at Dadar. STAR claims that the show is only watched by partially blind and deaf parsees.
Local Shiv Sena corporators have blamed the congress for the turn of events and the congress has blamed the NCP which blamed the Sena for not implementing their own no-outsiders policy. Supremo Bal Thackeray protested that the Sena did not exist so many years ago when the immigration happened and finally blamed the NCP for that.
More news as it develops…..and back to your regular scheduled program, German Philosophy at the WAX Mueller Bhavan.
Welcome back to the news at 4.
And now for Panorama- the story of the coffee hamper.
We’ve all heard about the coffee hamper on the Koffee with Karan show.
Tonite we address the nagging question: what is the coffee hamper and is your family safe from the hamper?
We have to go back in time to when the hamper started out as a bunch of beans. Nobody knows exactly where the bean started from but speculation is that it originated from the forests of Columbia and southern India.
In this exclusive showcase we talk to the farmers, the media heads that made the journey from the bean to the hamper and finally a close family relative of the hamper – the coffee plant that mothered the now infamous cartel called…….THE HAMPER!
It all started in the boardrooms at the STAR TV office,
(Reconstruction)
Exec1: Boss the show has become too big and Karan is going around buggering every male in the office.
Exec2: This really cant go on, all the women in the country are complaining about men turning into pansies! Karan is just becoming too hot property.
Boss: There is only one way, we need to regain control to the saas-bahu sagas. This is what I think, let’s get in our inside guy into the show. We’ll merchandise and promote him till he is the biggest star on the show and then pull the plug.
E1: Boss, are you sure, what if this insider becomes more powerful?
In retrospect, the boss should have listened to the exec because six months later they found out that they had created a monster they couldn’t control.
It was after this meeting that the Columbian, Ethiopian, Javanese and Koorgi, came together and made what is now sinisterly called the COFFEE HAMPER. (TA TA TAAAAAAA!)
The operation started out on a small scale as Karan took the hamper under his wing.
A production exec who doesn’t want to be identified explains:
“Underneath it all, Karan’s a trusting guy. Sure he can be pretty mean with his crying tantrums on the sets and always wanting to hug ShahRukh but apart from that and feeling every guy’s butt, he’s nice. And that’s how the hamper got to take advantage of him. Karan got hooked onto Qaavaah and the coffee chocolates until he got sick! The Guests slowly started coming on the show just for the hamper! Nobody knows the real reason why the guests, some of them losers, like Rahul Bose, Zayed Khan and Abhishek Bachchan keep coming on the show but now I want to reveal the truth because I am sick of the things happening in this corporation. Peter Mukherjee (Beeped out) should be ashamed of himself!”
And the addiction grew and grew. Guests used to wait for commercial breaks to get the hamper! Some wouldn’t even wait and would start snorting the coffee powder straight up!
Karan was now a shadow of his former self. His addiction taking over his main line of work – directing candy films and long acceptance speeches.
It was then that the studios tried to pull the plug, but it was too late…..
Guests wanted the hamper, viewers at home reaching out in their TV screens, every pansy in town was at risk of addiction from the hamper.
Without the top brass at the studios knowing it, the hamper made a hostile takeover of the TV station. It was all over!
And now: the exclusive interview with the coffee plant that brought the hamper to the world:
Rep: What do you think about the cartel called the coffee hamper?
Tree: We are a poor species. You guys come, get a fix and leave us seedless every damn year. Frankly, I glad that my little bean has become such a big tycoon.
Rep: And what about the lives that were destroyed? What about the number of addicts?
Tree: Listen I think human society should take a good hard look at itself! You used the hamper and when he became too powerful… you couldn’t take it. Addicts? It’s your greed! The hamper takes care of its own which is more than I can say for your race! Now if you will excuse me, I need to be watered!
Its clear that your family is at risk from the biggest media takeover in history.
Keep your family away from the hamper! Watch the Discovery Channel instead!
The best way to fight the evil is by knowledge.
This is panorama urging you to stay safe! If you see the hamper….RUN!
And now for Panorama- the story of the coffee hamper.
We’ve all heard about the coffee hamper on the Koffee with Karan show.
Tonite we address the nagging question: what is the coffee hamper and is your family safe from the hamper?
We have to go back in time to when the hamper started out as a bunch of beans. Nobody knows exactly where the bean started from but speculation is that it originated from the forests of Columbia and southern India.
In this exclusive showcase we talk to the farmers, the media heads that made the journey from the bean to the hamper and finally a close family relative of the hamper – the coffee plant that mothered the now infamous cartel called…….THE HAMPER!
It all started in the boardrooms at the STAR TV office,
(Reconstruction)
Exec1: Boss the show has become too big and Karan is going around buggering every male in the office.
Exec2: This really cant go on, all the women in the country are complaining about men turning into pansies! Karan is just becoming too hot property.
Boss: There is only one way, we need to regain control to the saas-bahu sagas. This is what I think, let’s get in our inside guy into the show. We’ll merchandise and promote him till he is the biggest star on the show and then pull the plug.
E1: Boss, are you sure, what if this insider becomes more powerful?
In retrospect, the boss should have listened to the exec because six months later they found out that they had created a monster they couldn’t control.
It was after this meeting that the Columbian, Ethiopian, Javanese and Koorgi, came together and made what is now sinisterly called the COFFEE HAMPER. (TA TA TAAAAAAA!)
The operation started out on a small scale as Karan took the hamper under his wing.
A production exec who doesn’t want to be identified explains:
“Underneath it all, Karan’s a trusting guy. Sure he can be pretty mean with his crying tantrums on the sets and always wanting to hug ShahRukh but apart from that and feeling every guy’s butt, he’s nice. And that’s how the hamper got to take advantage of him. Karan got hooked onto Qaavaah and the coffee chocolates until he got sick! The Guests slowly started coming on the show just for the hamper! Nobody knows the real reason why the guests, some of them losers, like Rahul Bose, Zayed Khan and Abhishek Bachchan keep coming on the show but now I want to reveal the truth because I am sick of the things happening in this corporation. Peter Mukherjee (Beeped out) should be ashamed of himself!”
And the addiction grew and grew. Guests used to wait for commercial breaks to get the hamper! Some wouldn’t even wait and would start snorting the coffee powder straight up!
Karan was now a shadow of his former self. His addiction taking over his main line of work – directing candy films and long acceptance speeches.
It was then that the studios tried to pull the plug, but it was too late…..
Guests wanted the hamper, viewers at home reaching out in their TV screens, every pansy in town was at risk of addiction from the hamper.
Without the top brass at the studios knowing it, the hamper made a hostile takeover of the TV station. It was all over!
And now: the exclusive interview with the coffee plant that brought the hamper to the world:
Rep: What do you think about the cartel called the coffee hamper?
Tree: We are a poor species. You guys come, get a fix and leave us seedless every damn year. Frankly, I glad that my little bean has become such a big tycoon.
Rep: And what about the lives that were destroyed? What about the number of addicts?
Tree: Listen I think human society should take a good hard look at itself! You used the hamper and when he became too powerful… you couldn’t take it. Addicts? It’s your greed! The hamper takes care of its own which is more than I can say for your race! Now if you will excuse me, I need to be watered!
Its clear that your family is at risk from the biggest media takeover in history.
Keep your family away from the hamper! Watch the Discovery Channel instead!
The best way to fight the evil is by knowledge.
This is panorama urging you to stay safe! If you see the hamper….RUN!
The News at 3
Bandra declares independence from the Indian Republic and annexes Khar, Olives to be the capital of the newly formed territory.
Post-modern dissertation by Philosophy majors sparks off a riot between the To bes and not to Bes.
Shakti Kapoor claims to have had homosexual encounters with aliens, commission of enquiry by Women’s Rights Commission setup.
And in other news,
Is the Coffee hamper a bigger than Karan himself.
(tat a ta tee tee tee teeeeee)
Good afternoon…..
In a shocking declaration by residents of the Mumbai suburb of Bandra, the little island has broken off from the Indian Republic. The new leader of the territory will be a monarch by the name of Steven Mascarenhas. Sources say that the new kingdom has also annexed the neighbouring suburb of Khar and proclaimed Olives the capital of the new monarchy.
His highness Mascarenhas in a statement said, “ Y’all fuckers! From now on Bandra will take care of its own affairs and not listen to BallKurry talks from Town side! We have our own language that is completely different from English, we make our own baatlis and we make most of the prawn curry rice that we need. So why stay wid da rest of da country? Say no fucker?”
Mascarenhas declared himself leader of Bandraiites after a prolonged exile on cruise ship working as a waiter.
As a first step, to making Bandra a separate country, border points will be setup and entry to Bandra will require a sponsorship from a resident. Visa applications will be available at various bars in Mumbai which will double up as Embassies.
Sources in New Delhi claim, that the decision to allow the succession in the Lok Sabha was taken after all MP’s in the house thought that Bandra was one of the Islands sunken after the recent Tsunami in the Andamans.
It was day of violence and mayhem at various colleges in Mumbai today when a statement by a Jehovah’s witness during a Post-Modernism dissertation stating that Post Modernism was purely a Post Feminist, Post – Marxist, Post-Polygamist, Post – MC Hammer non-rhythmic rant of spastic rap artists, created a ruckus.
Dictionaries and works of literature were removed from their shelves at the convention center and used as missiles. Thankfully no one was hurt….Local Police made the following statement to our correspondent….
Cop: The situation is now under control, but it took a while to pacify the students.
Corr: But how were over 200 MA literature students all over the campus convinced to stop the violence?
Cop : It was amazing by any standards, but the technique used was to use a loudspeaker and tell the crowds that the new book, “ The Post- Post – Post Modern deconstruction of the Da Vinci code has just hit the stands.” Apparently, mentioning “post” three times before modern shorts their brains.
The policemen after making this statement declared the Vada Pav as Mahrashtra’s and Maharashtrians greatest contribution to Indian culture. The police spokesmen then foamed at the mouth and was declared dead upon arriving at the Institute of I-Swallowed-my-vadapav-too-fast institute.
The Jehovah’s witness has been arrested for slander but might be shortly deported to the newly formed territory of Bandra, as he is now a foreign citizen.
Shakti Kapoor came out of hiding today after his TV expose recently.
The failed actor broke into tears at a press conference claiming that he was abducted from a hotel room at the Taj this time by and alien. The actor described the alien as bald, with blue eyes, overweight and continuously trying to hum three bars of an unrecognizable tune.
Kapoor also claimed that he was seduced by the humming and engaged in what the press has described as a possible inter-planetary inter-species exchange of fluids.
The police have however doubtful of the story and in a possibly unrelated incident have arrested director Rakesh Roshan on charges of sodomising a fellow actor.
The National Commission of Women’s rights has also put its best foot forward and asked for a Commission of Enquiry to be setup. The Commission will however only investigate the allegations that the NWCR is a huge kitty party club that hates Ekta Kapoor.
After the break……our new segment, Bollywood’s cover Blown off…..
You think you know everything about Bollywood?
What is Koffee with Karan? Is it mind-bending show used by the show’s producers to subconsciously attract users to the Aum Shinrikiyo cult?
What really is in the Coffee hamper?
Who makes the hampers?
Are your children safe from the Coffee hamper?
And is Karan secretly seeing the coffee hamper?
After the break the dirty secrets revealed!
Bandra declares independence from the Indian Republic and annexes Khar, Olives to be the capital of the newly formed territory.
Post-modern dissertation by Philosophy majors sparks off a riot between the To bes and not to Bes.
Shakti Kapoor claims to have had homosexual encounters with aliens, commission of enquiry by Women’s Rights Commission setup.
And in other news,
Is the Coffee hamper a bigger than Karan himself.
(tat a ta tee tee tee teeeeee)
Good afternoon…..
In a shocking declaration by residents of the Mumbai suburb of Bandra, the little island has broken off from the Indian Republic. The new leader of the territory will be a monarch by the name of Steven Mascarenhas. Sources say that the new kingdom has also annexed the neighbouring suburb of Khar and proclaimed Olives the capital of the new monarchy.
His highness Mascarenhas in a statement said, “ Y’all fuckers! From now on Bandra will take care of its own affairs and not listen to BallKurry talks from Town side! We have our own language that is completely different from English, we make our own baatlis and we make most of the prawn curry rice that we need. So why stay wid da rest of da country? Say no fucker?”
Mascarenhas declared himself leader of Bandraiites after a prolonged exile on cruise ship working as a waiter.
As a first step, to making Bandra a separate country, border points will be setup and entry to Bandra will require a sponsorship from a resident. Visa applications will be available at various bars in Mumbai which will double up as Embassies.
Sources in New Delhi claim, that the decision to allow the succession in the Lok Sabha was taken after all MP’s in the house thought that Bandra was one of the Islands sunken after the recent Tsunami in the Andamans.
It was day of violence and mayhem at various colleges in Mumbai today when a statement by a Jehovah’s witness during a Post-Modernism dissertation stating that Post Modernism was purely a Post Feminist, Post – Marxist, Post-Polygamist, Post – MC Hammer non-rhythmic rant of spastic rap artists, created a ruckus.
Dictionaries and works of literature were removed from their shelves at the convention center and used as missiles. Thankfully no one was hurt….Local Police made the following statement to our correspondent….
Cop: The situation is now under control, but it took a while to pacify the students.
Corr: But how were over 200 MA literature students all over the campus convinced to stop the violence?
Cop : It was amazing by any standards, but the technique used was to use a loudspeaker and tell the crowds that the new book, “ The Post- Post – Post Modern deconstruction of the Da Vinci code has just hit the stands.” Apparently, mentioning “post” three times before modern shorts their brains.
The policemen after making this statement declared the Vada Pav as Mahrashtra’s and Maharashtrians greatest contribution to Indian culture. The police spokesmen then foamed at the mouth and was declared dead upon arriving at the Institute of I-Swallowed-my-vadapav-too-fast institute.
The Jehovah’s witness has been arrested for slander but might be shortly deported to the newly formed territory of Bandra, as he is now a foreign citizen.
Shakti Kapoor came out of hiding today after his TV expose recently.
The failed actor broke into tears at a press conference claiming that he was abducted from a hotel room at the Taj this time by and alien. The actor described the alien as bald, with blue eyes, overweight and continuously trying to hum three bars of an unrecognizable tune.
Kapoor also claimed that he was seduced by the humming and engaged in what the press has described as a possible inter-planetary inter-species exchange of fluids.
The police have however doubtful of the story and in a possibly unrelated incident have arrested director Rakesh Roshan on charges of sodomising a fellow actor.
The National Commission of Women’s rights has also put its best foot forward and asked for a Commission of Enquiry to be setup. The Commission will however only investigate the allegations that the NWCR is a huge kitty party club that hates Ekta Kapoor.
After the break……our new segment, Bollywood’s cover Blown off…..
You think you know everything about Bollywood?
What is Koffee with Karan? Is it mind-bending show used by the show’s producers to subconsciously attract users to the Aum Shinrikiyo cult?
What really is in the Coffee hamper?
Who makes the hampers?
Are your children safe from the Coffee hamper?
And is Karan secretly seeing the coffee hamper?
After the break the dirty secrets revealed!
